The Long and Winding Road
by Stellaluna.3
Summary: Rory had long rationalized her relationship with Jess down to a combination of misdirected friendship and teenage lust, and she was sure he felt the same way. So when he suddenly goes silent after she sends him her latest chapter, she's not expecting what she finds when she tracks him down. And now nothing will ever be the same. A prelude to "Daddy Shark."
1. Chapter 1

**A.N. After writing Daddy Shark, I fully intended to leave it there and not tempt myself to get into how Rory and Jess got from AYITL to engaged in the present day... but then I went on vacation and spent hours and hours in the car with nothing to do, and... This happened. My very first foray into serious multi-chapter fiction. This is also my attempt to deal with Rory's comment to Dean in the Revival, that she "wished she'd met him when she was older and more mature," and that's how she intended to write about him. And I thought, "Jess is going to read this. Oh my word." This story hinges on my conviction that Rory, despite her formidable intelligence, has the _emotional_ intelligence of a pile of rocks. (I had a friend like this once. Brilliant scientist. Sooo bad at reading people's signals.)**

**Despite her flaws, I love Rory, and like Jess, I continue to believe that she can find her best self again. This is a story of how she gets back there and, in the process, finds herself rethinking everything she thought she knew about Jess.**

**Oh, and I'm weird about swearing, so sorry if that's awkward. I don't swear myself, but I'm writing characters who do, so... You can fill in the blanks yourself, if you choose. ;-)**

There was a brief moment when Jess first opened the door where he just stared at her, blinking, but after that it seemed like he wasn't even surprised to see Rory at his apartment in Philadelphia. His head dropped forward with a quiet huff of laughter, and then he suddenly stepped aside with a "Well, come on in, Gilmore," as if he'd been expecting her.

She couldn't help noticing that he wasn't looking at her, and it only contributed to the growing anxiety that had been gnawing at her gut since he'd stopped answering her calls. In contrast to the four previous years where they'd each been busy leading their own separate lives, in the months since Luke and Lorelai's wedding they'd been in almost constant contact. He had been the one to spark the idea of her book in the first place, and she had continued to seek his feedback and encouragement with the project, trading texts and emails, and pulling him aside to seek his opinion over Thanksgiving and Christmas. No one seemed to understand what she was trying to say better than Jess did, and his professional expertise and contacts in the business were invaluable. But after she'd sent him her latest chapter, he'd suddenly gone silent. Texts and emails went unanswered, every phone call went straight to voicemail. She would anxiously snatch up her phone every time it dinged, and then her heart would sink with disappointment because it was never him. Waiting for Jess to call; what an infuriatingly familiar situation. This time, however, any anger she might have felt was drowned out by the nagging dread that _this_ time it was all her fault. She just KNEW it had something to do with what she'd written. She'd finally started working through her teen years, with Dean and then her and Jess' disastrous attempt at a relationship, and all her regrets surrounding her impulsive behavior and immature confusion. She had thought enough time had passed to heal old wounds, had thought maybe he'd even laugh at their stupidity, but instead she appeared to have upset him to the point where he was avoiding talking to her.

"Have a seat. You hungry? I don't know what you're eating these days, but you're eating for four and you just drove, what, four hours from Stars Hollow? Luke would murder me if you passed out on my watch, so what'll it be? My roommate's got frozen samosas in here... You want?"

Rory wrinkled her nose. "Ugh. I wish. But the smell of Indian makes me feel nauseous now."

Jess was obviously struggling to keep a straight face. Rory glared at him. "Shut up! It's not funny, it _sucks_!"

Jess tipped his head, conceding the point. "Ok, so… Totino's?"

Rory sighed in relief. "Perfect. Thank you." She dropped her bag onto Jess' coffee table and collapsed onto the couch. She was exhausted and her hips were all out of joint. Ahh, the joys of pregnancy. Because that was the other thing. She had to finish this book before she ran out of time, and part of her also hoped that, maybe, if she could just comb back through her history, she might be able to figure out what was wrong with her and be slightly less of a trainwreck for this little person she was suddenly responsible for.

She caressed her growing belly absently, and then was suddenly jolted out of her thoughts by Jess setting a glass of water down on the table in front of her. "Drink," he ordered.

"Ok, _Luke_," she teased him, but she took a sip anyway. She was thirsty all the time.

"So," Rory began tentatively, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear. "I haven't heard from you in a while."

Jess' back was still to her, keeping busy with the food. "Yeah. Things have been crazy busy here this month."

"Jess."

She watched his shoulders rise and fall in a heavy sigh, his head bowing defeatedly.

"I'm sorry. I guess I needed some time to process everything. I didn't know what to say."

Rory felt her eyes welling up as her heart sank. Dang it! She cried over the stupidest things now! "So," she warbled, "you _have_ been avoiding me."

Jess swore under his breath.

"Rory. _Please_ don't cry. I just needed some time. Hang on a minute, ok?" There was more bustling in the kitchen, the _beep_ of the microwave, and then a mug of hot cocoa was set gently next to the glass of water, and there was a candy cane hooked over the edge. _He remembered_. Another tragic loss of her pregnancy was that the taste and smell of coffee made Rory sick to her stomach (She'd cried for hours), so she'd taken to drinking hot chocolate instead. At Christmas, she'd become absolutely addicted to the taste of peppermint with it, and apparently, Jess had noticed. Her tenuous grip on her emotions snapped, and she dissolved into messy tears.

Jess swore again, repeatedly this time, like he'd been trying to defuse a bomb and just realized he'd clipped the wrong wire. "Ah jeez. I'm no good at this, Rory. What'd I do? Are you not doing the peppermint thing anymore? I can take it out! Hell, I'll just throw this out and make you a new one…"

"No!" she squeaked. "No, it's fine! It's more than fine! It's just… you apparently hate me and yet, here you are, remembering all my weird cravings…"

"I don't hate you, Rory," Jess sighed.

"You don't?" she sniffed dubiously. "So you've just been avoiding me because… you enjoy my company so much?"

Jess rolled his eyes. "I…" he was interrupted by a long _beep_ from the kitchen. "_Saved by the bell,_" he muttered under his breath. "Be right back, just…" he jerked his thumb over his shoulder, "the pizza rolls." He escaped to the kitchen once again, and Rory took her chance to blow her nose loudly. Ugh. Her head ached. She picked up the mug of hot chocolate and stirred it morosely with the candy cane.

"Do you mind if I have a drink?" Jess asked as he returned with the pizza rolls. "If we're really doing this, I think I'm going to need alcohol to get through this conversation."

Rory smiled ruefully. "Is this about to become an episode of 'Drunk History?'" she quipped drily.

Jess gave a short bark of laughter. "I hope not. But we'll see. So…?"

She nodded. "Have at it. I wish I could join you."

He soon returned with a bottle of whiskey and a tumbler in one hand and a box of "Thin Mint" cookies in the other, which he gave to Rory. "Doula was in Girl Scouts this year," he explained. "Figured it'd be a semi-decent substitute for the booze."

Rory smiled. "Thanks," she said softly.

Jess sat heavily in the armchair across from Rory and played with his glass moodily. They were silent for a moment. "So," he sighed, "I guess we're really doing this, huh?"

Rory gazed at the man across from her, the dark hair falling over his furrowed brow as he looked down at his shoes. Resignation and melancholy was written all over his face and it made her heart ache. "Please, just talk to me, Jess. I know I upset you and I need to know why."

He sighed once again. "Ok, so, before I say anything else, I need to emphasize a few things. Number one: I'm not… Verbal communication is still not my strong suit, ok? This is hard for me to say and I'm gonna need you to be patient with me, alright?"

She nodded solemnly.

"Ok. Number Two: I need you to understand that at no point in this am I blaming you for feeling the way you do or expecting you to feel any differently, ok? I was a crappy boyfriend. I get that. The fact that you're even willing to be friends with me at all after all the crap I put you through is more than I deserve."

"Jess," she reproached him sadly.

"No, I _know_ that and I respect it, ok? This is my own s- I have to work through, and I've just gotta deal with the fact that this is the bed I made for myself and I gotta lie in it." He poured himself a finger of whiskey and took the time to swallow some down before he continued. "So. You with me on all that so far?"

Rory nodded. "Yeah. I understand, Jess."

He nodded back. "Ok. Good. So. All that being said, I guess…" he took a deep breath, "I really loved you, Rory. I know I was an ass and I was absolute crap at showing it, but… I had absolutely no clue what the hell I was doing. I didn't even know what a healthy relationship was supposed to _look_ like; God knows I'd never seen one… And I suppose I was too scared to… well, I kept trying to protect myself, because I had never felt so powerless in my life and that was f-ing terrifying. But anyway, all I really wanted to say is, I had never loved anyone before I loved you. In my life, you've always been one of the most important… like, I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't loved you, and you've always been that One Girl that every other girl gets compared to, and… and then I get your chapter and find that, to you, after everything, I'm just this mistake you wish you hadn't made. Not even _'despite the way it ended, you were grateful for the good moments we had,_' but straight-up time machine, _'what was I thinking? If only I'd stayed with Dean instead of hooking up with this loser'_ regret. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you and I repeat that you have every right to feel this way, but… It was hard for me to find out that, as important as you've been to me, our relationship hasn't been important to you at all."

Rory was stricken.

"Jess!" she whispered in horror. "Oh no, that's not what I… Jess you _have_ to know how much I care about you. I mean, don't you?"

He shrugged. His expressive brown eyes looked troubled and glassy. Rory felt her eyes tearing up again.

"Jess, _no way_ do I wish I had never _known_ you! I mean, without you, I wouldn't have gone back to Yale or made up with my mom- or at least not as soon as I did! And you've been _such_ a loyal and encouraging friend over the years, and I always feel like I can talk to you about _anything_. Hell, this entire _book_ wouldn't even _exist_ without you! I think you're a _great_ guy." She was leaning forward earnestly, trying to make him understand.

Jess regarded her quizzically, arms folded across his broad chest and one dark eyebrow raised. "Huh. Ok…" he trailed off, seeming confused.

"All I meant was that I think we would have been better off just as friends! Don't you think that would have been better? We're _good_ at being friends, Jess! Some people just aren't compatible romantically."

Jess snorted. "Our relationship didn't fail because we weren't _compatible_, Rory. It failed because _I was an idiot._ That, and we didn't trust each other."

Rory blinked. "You didn't trust me?"

"_No_," Jess scoffed incredulously. "Now, granted, I didn't really trust _anyone_ at that stage of my life, but the one time I decided to lay my heart on the line and take a risk for you, and come crawling back to a town I hated and beg Luke to take me back, all for the _slimmest possible chance_ that you might want to be with me, you responded by abandoning me for the rest of the summer without even telling me you were leaving."

Rory flushed with shame. "I'm so sorry, Jess. That was really cowardly of me. I didn't realize I'd hurt you so much."

Jess shrugged. "Hey, I'm no better. We both have a history of conflict avoidance, huh?" he smirked gently.

"Guess so," she whispered.

"I assumed you had made your choice, and it wasn't me," he shrugged again. "And when you continued to think more highly of him than me even after we were dating, part of me wondered if you really wanted to be with me at all. And well, considering your most recent thoughts on the matter," he chuckled bitterly, "it looks like I was right."

"Wow," Rory choked out, her voice growing wobbly again, "no _wonder_ you left me."

Jess stared at her with concern and moved to sit next to her on the couch, taking her hand gently in his. "No," he said firmly. "I left because I was a coward and I loved you and I thought you'd be better off without me."

Rory sniffed. "I wasn't," she said hollowly.

"I'm sorry," Jess murmured. His eyes were full of regret.

"I know," she assured him, patting his hand consolingly. "But wow, you've really thought about this over the years, haven't you?"

He looked confused. "Well, _yeah_… I told you, you were 'the one that got away' for me. The girl I regretted losing more than anyone else. So, yes, I thought about it a lot."

"That _can't_ be true," Rory protested, looking at him hard. "It's been more than a decade, and you've _never _met someone you regretted losing more than _me_? Come on! There must be _dozens_ of beautiful, interesting, and intelligent women you've met over the years in your line of work."

Jess pulled his hand away from hers and shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah. I know." He reached for his drink again and tossed it back. His eyes were troubled. Rory didn't know what to say. She had no idea his feelings for her had run so deeply or lasted so long.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Jess."

"It's ok," he shrugged.

"So… that time when you told me you loved me… you really meant it."

He winced. "I suppose I can't blame you for doubting me, seeing as I drove off right after I said it… G-!" he groaned, throwing his head back against the couch cushions, "Why was I so _stupid_ back then?!"

Rory laughed, "I know the feeling, believe me."

"But yes," Jess continued softly, "yes, I meant it. It was the first time I ever said it to anyone."

Rory felt warm all over… and sad. "Wow," she said. "I guess part of me kind of assumed you were just being impulsive… like maybe you felt it in that moment, but it wasn't a lasting… thing."

Jess chuckled humourlessly. "Saying it at that moment might have been impulsive, I guess, but I'd been thinking it in some form or another since the first night I met you."

Rory blushed bright red. "You were _not_! Jess!"

He winced again and hid his face in his hands. "I _know_. It's humiliating and ridiculous, but… nevertheless it's actually true. Why are you so shocked? I told you that before."

"What? When?"

"Ah, you know what? Nevermind."

"Wait. That was the night you came barging into my dorm to ask me to run away with you!"

"Fine. Yes. Yes, it was."

"You meant all that stuff too?!"

"Yeah, why? Did you think I was just a raving lunatic or something?" he smirked self-deprecatingly.

She smiled at him fondly. "Well, honestly? Kind of."

"Again… can't really blame you. But yes. I meant all that stuff too."

Rory was completely stunned. "So, what are you saying? You've just been _pining_ after me like Jay Gatsby all this time?"

"Well, not _lately_," Jess insisted defensively.

Rory suddenly had a horrible thought and her stomach churned. "Jess… did you feel that way when you came to show me your first book?"

"Was I still in love with you then? Yes."

"Oh," Rory breathed. She didn't like to think about her visit to Truncheon's open house very often, but memories came flooding back now, details suddenly illuminated by her newly gained insight. The way his eyes lit up hopefully when he saw her, the nervous and endearingly shy way he kept smiling at her… the _yearning_ in the way he drank her in when he kissed her… the way his eyes were too glossy and his voice too rough after she told him she was in love with Logan… She felt sick. He'd been in _love_ with her. She had known he was still attracted to her (after all, he'd kissed her and she wasn't _that_ dense), but she'd long rationalized their relationship down to a blend of misdirected friendship and teenage lust, and now to find out that to Jess, the entire time she'd been his _Daisy_. She knew he had been hurt and disappointed, had felt guilty about it for years, but _this_?

Rory shakily raised the hot chocolate to her lips and took large gulps in an attempt to calm her roiling stomach.

Jess was gazing at her intently, looking worried. "Rory, I'm sorry if I've upset you, telling you all this," he said quietly.

She put her hand on his arm reassuringly, but she couldn't look him in the eye. "No, no," she quavered, "it's alright. I'm just coming to grips with what a terrible person I am."

"You are _not_ a terrible person, Rory. How did you get _that_ from all this?" he demanded.

"I… um… well, I was thinking about that open house you invited me to," she admitted weakly.

He was silent for a moment. "Oh," he said, finally. "Well," he sighed, "we all have moments we'd do differently. You know better than anyone that _I_ do…"

He was being so generous with her. "Still, I feel like I need to apologise, Jess," she said seriously, "for that night, and for every time I've been so focused on my own feelings that I didn't think about how I was affecting yours. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course," he said earnestly, his warm hand squeezing hers again. "Can you forgive _me_? All those times I hurt you?"

"I forgave you a long time ago, Jess," she smiled.

He sighed. "You have no idea how much that means to me, Rory. Thank you."

They sat together in silence for a while, neither one of them knowing what to say next. Rory checked the time on her phone.

"Well, I should probably get going now," she admitted awkwardly. She struggled to heave herself up from the couch until Jess sprang lightly up beside her and offered to pull her to her feet. "Um, thanks," she said in a small voice, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"You're not driving all the way back to Stars Hollow tonight, are you?"

"No. No, I'm going to spend the night with Paris in New York."

"Good. I'm glad. You, uh, wanna take the rest of this food with you for the ride? It's still a two hour drive…"

"Thanks, Jess, that would be… um, that would be great."

He nodded slowly, hands in his pockets. "Hey, look, uh, Rory…" he began, scratching the back of his head awkwardly, "all that stuff we talked about just now, that's all…" he waved his hand back and forth, "water under the bridge, you know? I'm not… gunning for a second chance or anything, alright? I know all that's long, long over. You've moved on and I… I've moved on too." He shrugged, looking anywhere but at her face. "So you don't have to worry that I'm expecting anything to change, 'cause I'm not, ok?" He finally met her eyes, reassuring her of his sincerity.

Rory stood frozen, blue eyes wide open. "Oh," she said. _She didn't feel like nothing had changed. _ "Oh, no, yeah, sure, definitely," she agreed, her head nodding like a bobblehead doll's. She felt like the rug had just been pulled out from under her feet, but she had no idea why.

"Good," he nodded. "Hopefully, this won't make our friendship awkward… I don't _want_ it to be awkward…"

"Oh! No." She was now shaking her head forcefully. "No, it won't be awkward. No awkwardness at all! Don't worry about _that_. In fact, I think this really great. We'll be able to be really honest and open with each other now, now that we've gotten all this out in the open! Um… do you still feel comfortable editing my chapters, or…?"

"Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead, send 'em over."

"Great. Ok, so… I guess I'll get going?"

After gathering all her things (and one last bathroom run, because... _pregnant_), they stood in front of his door again, trying to figure out how to say goodbye.

"So, I guess we'll be in touch… You _will_ answer my messages now, won't you?"

He laughed sheepishly and ran a hand back through his hair. "Yeah. I'm sorry for ghosting you, Rory. Thanks for, uh, hunting me down and making me be a man about it."

"Thanks for talking to me. I know… I know it wasn't easy for you."

They stared at each other for a long moment.

"Well. Goodbye, Jess. How should we do this? Can I hug you? Would that be ok?"

He grinned. "You got it. C'mere, Gilmore." He reached out and hooked an arm around her shoulders, reeling her in. She wrapped her arms around his torso and held him tight, snuggling under his chin. This man. She felt such a wave of affection for him suddenly that she felt her eyes tearing up again. _Probably some kind of maternal instinct_, she thought. It felt so good to be wrapped up in his strong arms… he was so warm and solid, and she felt safe. _Safe with Jess_. Wow. She hadn't expected that when they were younger, but nevertheless that was who he'd become. Someone she could always depend on to be there when she needed a friend. She inhaled deeply in contentment. Wow, he smelled good. _So_ good. She hadn't been this close to him in a long time and she'd forgotten what great hugs he gave. She didn't want to leave. She squeezed him tighter.

"I'm _so_ glad we're friends, Jess," she whispered fervently, burying her nose in his shoulder. She felt his arms hold her even closer against his chest.

"Me too," he murmured huskily, and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She smiled.

Suddenly, the forgotten third party of the group made his presence known with a barrage of swift kicks and punches that sent Rory and Jess reeling back in surprise, laughing.

"Whoa! _That_ was weird," Jess grinned, his eyes alight.

"_You_ think it's weird?" Rory laughed, "You should see what it's like on _my_ side! I have something else living inside me. It's too bizarre for words."

"Well, I guess you'd better go. I do not want any angry phone calls from Paris demanding retribution for your lateness."

"No s-," Rory agreed. She adjusted her bag on her shoulder, but then hesitated once more. "Well… goodbye, Jess."

"Goodbye, Rory," he replied softly, a fond little smile on his lips as he held the door open for her.

She gave him one more smile before heading down the stairs.

**Thank you for reading! And I love reviews! I'd love to know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here we are for Chapter 2! Thank you SO much to all who reviewed. It really does make such a difference. And now... Rory deals with the aftermath. And so does Lorelai...**

Rory turned over in bed yet again, trying in vain to find a comfortable position. Her childhood bed in her childhood bedroom. She had reluctantly given up her plan to move to Queens after she learned she was pregnant. She told herself and anyone who asked that her decision was due to a prudent desire to save money as well as convenient access to her source material. This was all very true, after all… but the other reason, only acknowledged in the dark of night when she was alone, was that she was terrified and she wanted her mommy.

The plan had never been to do this on her own, if she ever did it at all. The plan was to have a supportive partner by her side to share the responsibilities of parenthood. She didn't have that... but she did have a family. Plenty of women in other countries relied on the support of extended family groups to raise children, she told herself. She had every intention of getting her own place after she had gotten the hang of this motherhood thing. Her mother had done it at sixteen. Thirty-two should be a breeze.

This wasn't what was keeping her awake this time, though. She was haunted by the conversation she'd had with Jess and the things it had revealed not just about him, but about herself. After their visit, she'd gone back through everything she had written so far that related to him, and found herself rethinking everything she thought she knew about him and what had happened between them. In her weaker, tireder, and more peevish moments, it annoyed her that so much of what she'd written had to be scrapped now, but then she remembered the sadness in Jess's warm brown eyes, and suddenly that soft part of her heart she was calling "maternal" would insist that even rewriting _fifty_ chapters would be worth it, if only to take that look away.

He had _loved_ her. He hadn't pursued her out of boredom or the amusement of antagonizing Dean. There had been times when she had wondered if winning her had just been a game for Jess, but his dogged determination had apparently been based on some passionate conviction that they were _supposed to be together_. She remembered meeting Jess for the first time, how stoic and wary he'd seemed, his face blank of all emotion. But at some point between the moment she'd turned to greet him and his perusal of her book collection, he had decided she was the girl of his dreams? And he wasn't the type to "fall in love" with everybody. He said it was the first time, and had never wavered in his feelings for two, three, four _years _at least… What kind of person _did_ that? All along, underneath all his apparent hardness, had he actually been the sort of romantic boy that believed in love at first sight? What had happened to him, to make such a boy as cold and hard and angry as he was when they met? He had never liked to talk much about his mom or his childhood, always evading her inquiries… but the little she had gleaned from stray comments made by him or Luke had been troubling. What would he have been like (would _they_ have been like) if he had grown up in a loving and supportive home, like Dean had?

It was a strange thing to be overcome by grief nearly fifteen years too late. She hadn't let herself grieve the loss of Jess when he left. There had been exams to finish and speeches to write and college to prepare for and lifelong dreams of travel to fulfill… and she was _not _going to let him spoil these things for her. And then, the fact that her mother hated him- had _never_ liked him- made her shrink from the idea of wallowing openly. She couldn't bear the thought of everyone's pity, their smug _I told you so'_s, being made to feel stupid for falling for the "bad boy." Everything was shoved down deep. She held her head high, and she moved on. She _had_ to move on, despite that aching pit of emptiness that sometimes threatened to swallow her whole during her freshman year. She wouldn't allow herself to feel anything but anger when he returned that winter, (she'd listened to "You're No Good" so many times that Paris had stormed into her room and threatened to throw her CD player out the window if she played that song one more time) and after his desperate ambush at her dorm, she'd vowed never to think of him again. But now… All the pain so far behind them, she felt like she was letting herself really remember for the first time. She had told him over the phone that she_ thought she may have loved him_, and that was all she'd allowed herself to admit at the time and for many years afterward… but, oh, there was no _may have_ about it. She had loved him so much, it frightened her, and she hadn't been able to help herself. She had seen in him the seeds of so many good things: his brilliant mind, his passion, his good heart… his quiet support of her dreams, his willingness to forgive… all things that had come to full flower in his manhood, and confirmed her faith in his goodness. Her attraction to him had been uncontrollable and intense, and looking back on it, perhaps that had been part of the problem.

She thought of what Jess had said… that they didn't trust each other, that they had each had one foot out the door during their entire relationship. And he was right. She had always held part of herself back, afraid of losing herself in him. How funny, and how incredibly sad, that their very attempts to protect themselves from each other ended up destroying them. If both of them had trusted more, been more willing to give in to each other, would they actually have had less to fear? She had never let herself think about the "what ifs" with Jess before, taking it as a foregone conclusion that things would have always ended badly. But knowing now how deeply in love he'd been with her, and thinking about how wonderfully he'd turned out in the end… how he'd lived up to all her hopes of the kind of man he could be… The thought made her melancholy. It was long, long over. Life was not a "Choose your own Adventure" book: you couldn't go back and read what would have happened if you'd chosen differently, and you certainly couldn't go back and live it. They had made the choices they made. That was that. End of story. No sense in playing out alternate timelines. Perhaps she could still learn from the past, though… So where was she? Lack of trust.

It was more than a distrust of Jess that had frightened Rory. It was that she felt like she couldn't trust _herself _with him. She had felt intoxicated by him, with all the dizziness, euphoria, and lack of impulse control that comes with it… and that feeling was as frightening as it was exhilarating. Rory had always felt a need to be in control of herself and in control of her life. She supposed there were plenty of ways to psychoanalyze this tendency… her absent father, her charming but flighty and changeable mother, the unplanned and traumatic nature of her birth… She had craved stability. Jess was many things, but stable was not one of them, not then. Everything about him was uncontrolled and wild, and so were her feelings about him, and she was never entirely comfortable with that. Falling in love with Jess had been like being caught in a riptide and dragged out to sea. Dean had been the slippery rock she tried desperately to cling to, but her strength just gave out in the end. She could do nothing but drown.

Rory sighed and rolled over again. She remembered how hard she had tried to ignore her feelings and pretend she didn't feel them. She was like a small child who believes that you can make an object disappear by simply closing your eyes and refusing to look at it.

She was suddenly wide awake. _She still did this._ Was that what she kept doing? She was so intent on everything in her life going according to the plans she made, that she wilfully ignored any evidence that suggested that a change of course might, in fact, be the wiser choice. She continued to pretend that everything was fine until things inevitably blew up in her face. It _is_ rather difficult to deal constructively with situations or feelings if you insist they don't exist... How do you solve a problem if you maintain that there is no problem? She could see how foolish her willful ignorance had been, over and over again. And yet, the alternative frightened her too… How could she know when to yield and when to stand firm? Was changing your mind constantly any better? Would she become paralyzed by anxiety, second-guessing every decision she ever made?

Her thoughts swirled and her body ached, and she felt the child within her belly kick and stir as restlessly as her mind. Their schedules were always out of sync. She felt the hard press of some appendage (hand? foot? elbow? Who could tell?) against the wall of her abdomen, straining for more room. She traced her fingers over the place he was pressing against, and smiled when the hard little lump withdrew and then poked more forcefully at her hand.

"Hey, little guy," she whispered fondly. "Things are getting cramped, huh? I can't sleep either. Can I tell you a secret? Your mommy's a bit of a mess right now. I've been making so many bad choices, and I'm trying to figure out why. Because I want to do better. You _deserve_ better. I'm selfish, and I've been selfish for a long time, but I'm working on it, baby. Because I want you to know how to love, and I want you to always feel wanted and safe so you don't turn out like Jess. No... So you don't _grow up_ the way he did. If you actually _turn out_ like Jess, I couldn't be happier, really, because he's a _wonderful_ guy. You'll get to meet him someday. He's mommy's friend, and he's so smart and funny and strong… and he's always there for his family and his friends when they need him..." Rory found herself choking on tears suddenly. She took a deep breath and pushed it down. "Your Grandpa Luke loves him, but your Lola's still not so sure…" she trailed off, smiling through her tears.

"Well, _you_ look radiant this morning," Lorelai teased as Rory came staggering out of her room around 9 o'clock.

Rory grunted bad-temperedly in response, as she grabbed a banana and sat heavily in a kitchen chair. Lorelai sat down next to her and stroked her daughter's hair soothingly.

"Rough night?"

Rory grunted again and took a ferocious bite of her banana. Lorelai got up briefly and poured a large glass of orange juice before setting it down in front of her daughter. Rory downed about half of it in a single gulp.

"Better?" Lorelai asked.

"Hydration good," Rory croaked blearily.

"It's like watching the evolution of man from ape to Neanderthal, right in my kitchen," Lorelai grinned. "What's next? Fire? Stone tools? _The wheeeel_?"

Rory glared at her mother. "Not fair. You can have coffee. I can't. Noooo coffee for Rory," she lamented, staring mournfully at the coffeemaker on the counter.

"Aw, sweets, I'm sorry," Lorelai sympathized, stroking Rory's hair again. "Just a few more months! Then you evict the little squatter and Mommy'll buy you the biggest cup of coffee in the world. A _vat_. So what was it this time? Little guy practicing for his FIFA tryouts again?"

Rory shook her head, getting up to look for the poptarts. "I just had a lot on my mind, that's all."

"Did something happen with Logan? I thought you'd settled everything already."

"No, everything's fine with him. Or as fine as it'll ever be, anyway. I…" Rory hesitated, then dove in. "You know, I stopped by Philly to see Jess on my way to Paris' last weekend."

"Oh boy."

"_What?_" Rory snapped, slamming the cupboard shut and whirling around. "What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Lorelai said hurriedly, lifting her hands in a placating gesture, "Just… nevermind. So, you took a four-hour detour to see Jess. And then what happened?"

"Well, you know he's been helping me with the book…"

"Ah, yes, the book. The book that _he_ suggested you write, that has subsequently consumed your entire life. The book that you've been constantly texting him about for the past four months. _That_ book."

Rory stared at her mother in disbelieving silence, but her wide eyes were white-hot, blue flames of hormonal, pregnant rage that spoke all too clearly: _**What**__ did you say?_

"I said nothing," Lorelai backtracked.

Rory was not appeased.

"What is _with_ you? Jess has been a decent guy and nothing but a good friend to me for over a _decade_ now. He's like a _son_ to Luke, _your husband_, and you _still_ can't forgive him for some stupid crap he did when he was _eighteen years old_?!"

"I'm sorry, ok? I don't know what you guys see in him that I don't."

"Seriously?"

"Well, I don't know! I guess he's… reasonably stable now. Right?"

"_Reasonably stable_?!" Rory repeated shrilly. "He's worked at the same company for _ten years_. He's part _owner_ now! He's written two novels and gotten short stories picked up by _multiple_ publications, he's _successful_! And so talented and brilliant and respected by his peers… He's made a wonderful life for himself and you still see him as some _bad seed_… But he's a _good man_, Mom, he's grown up _so_ well… He's kind and generous and a loyal friend, and he takes care of his family, even though his mom was terrible to him when he was a kid; he's always helping Luke bail her out… He's a lot like Luke, really, how can you not see it? And he's a lot like you, too! He's so quick and clever and funny, but he knows almost as much about music as Lane does. Oh my G-, he's like all my favorite people in one person! And he's like _me_. We just… _connect_, even after all these years! I can talk to him about _anything_ and I know he'll just… _get it_. How can you not see?"

Lorelai was staring at her daughter with a very strange expression on her face. "Wow," she said finally, clearing her throat. "I guess I didn't know you thought so highly of him."

"Well, I do," Rory said stubbornly, beginning to feel a little embarrassed about her outburst. She turned back to the cupboards and continued her search for breakfast. "Do we have any waffles?"

"In the freezer," Lorelai answered.

Rory was making her hot cocoa and waiting for her waffles to pop out of the toaster before her mother spoke again.

"So. You had a talk with Jess last weekend?"

"Oh, yeah. I was going to tell you about that before I was so _rudely_ interrupted." Rory glared at her mother, pointing a butter knife at her menacingly before using it to spread an ungodly amount of peanut butter on her waffles.

"No more snarky comments, I promise. I'll be good."

Rory sighed. "Ok, so… I've been sending him chapters to look over, and it's brought up a lot of stuff from the past and…" Rory swallowed before continuing softly. "He really loved me, Mom. He apologized for hurting me and said he was a stupid kid and he was afraid and we sabotaged our relationship by not trusting each other… but he really loved me. For _years_. He said he fell in love with me the night we met and then compared other girls to me for years afterward, and… and I never knew that."

"Well, he _was_ absolute crap at showing it… Sorry!" Lorelai added hastily, seeing her daughter look up sharply.

"No, it's just… that's exactly what he said. Like, _exactly_."

Lorelai frowned. "Huh."

"See! I told you! You two are like the same person!"

"You're _mean_ when you're pregnant!"

"Except the part where you hold people's teenage misdemeanors against them… Jess would _never_ do that. _That_, you get from _your_ mother."

Lorelai gasped indignantly. "And the hits keep on coming! Wow, Rory, thanks! But I'll save that to keep _me_ awake later, because I want to know what was keeping _you_ awake last night."

"Oh. Well, I guess it just got me thinking about the past, and… for years I've never really let myself remember anything but the bad parts of being with Jess, to remind myself why we were better off as friends. But it wasn't _all_ bad, you know?"

"It wasn't?"

"No. I never told you the good parts because… because you hated him and I didn't want you to spoil it for me. I knew you'd just make fun of him and try to spin everything he did into some nefarious scheme."

"Oh, sweetie!"

"But it _wasn't_ all bad, Mom. It was… You know that nursery rhyme about the little girl who had a little curl…"

"Right in the middle of her forehead!"

"Yeah! And when she was good, she was very _very_ good…"

"And when she was _bad_, she was _horrid_," Lorelai finished gleefully, with a wicked grin.

"Right. Well, that's what being with Jess was like. The good parts… the good parts were so, _so_ good. But the bad parts were just… awful. And I told myself, this is just who Jess is. He's unstable and unreliable, and I thought this was just an unshakable facet of his personality, but…"

"But it wasn't."

"No. It wasn't. He was just having a really rough time and then he grew out of it, and now… Now he's still all the good things I loved about him, but he's purged off all the bad, and…" she shrugged helplessly.

"And you love him."

"I… No!"

"You _don't_ love him? You literally _just_ went on this long rant about how he's practically your soulmate and all your favorite people wrapped up in one hunky male package with fabulous hair!"

"I did _not_ say he has fabulous hair!"

"Buuut…?"

"Ok, fine! He _does _have fabulous hair! He's _unbelievably_ sexy, and... and… oh my G-."

"Oh, honey."

"Oh my G-! No! This is _not_ happening!" Rory was nearly hyperventilating, and then suddenly burst into tears.

Lorelai patted her back consolingly. No. No! She was _not_ in love with Jess. She _couldn't_ be. Oh this was _exactly_ what she needed right now.

_You can't solve a problem if you maintain that there is no problem._

She forced herself to take a deep, steadying breath. "Well," she sighed in resignation, wiping her eyes on her sleeve, "apparently, I have some unresolved feelings and regrets about Jess. Now you know what was keeping me up last night."

"Oh, sweetie."

They sat in uncharacteristic silence for a few moments, each absorbing the impact of yet another tectonic shift beneath their feet. Mountains became valleys, rivers changed course, all was shaken anew.

"So, what happens now? Are you and Jess going to give things another shot? You're pregnant." _With another man's child_, was the unspoken implication.

"No, really?! I had _no_ idea, Mom. Thanks _so_ much for reminding me!" Rory snapped, then flushed red. "Um… sorry, I… didn't get much sleep last night. But no," she sighed. "Nothing's going to happen. I'm in, like the worst _possible_ place for a relationship right now. I'm about to have a baby and I need to focus on getting my life together, for _him_ and for _myself_. Besides, all that with Jess… it happened such a long time ago. We missed our chance, and it sucks, but… he doesn't even feel that way about me anymore. He's moved on."

"Jess told you he's moved on? He _told_ you this?"

"Yes! He said he didn't tell me how he felt because he was trying to get me to give him another chance. He just wanted to clear the air. He said that he knows I moved on a long time ago, and he's moved on, too. He's really glad we can be friends."

"Huh. Well… ok, then."

A thought suddenly occurred to Rory, and it set her heart fluttering in her chest.

"Why?" She asked shakily, tucking her hair behind her ear in an attempt at nonchalance. "Have you… noticed anything that might… indicate otherwise?"

Lorelai hesitated**.** "I… think that you obviously know him much better than I do. If that's what he said, and you believe him, then… sweets, I think you have to take his word for it."

Rory felt like sinking through the floor in disappointment and embarrassment. "Oh. Of course. I… well, I think I'd better go get ready for the day. Thanks for talking with me, Mom."

"Rory!" Lorelai called out in concern, as her pregnant daughter rose from the table, leaving her mostly untouched breakfast behind. "Thank you for telling me," she whispered sadly, taking her daughter in her arms. "I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this."

Rory hugged her mother tight, and then smiled as brightly as she could. "I'll be ok," she promised, though her voice wobbled slightly. "Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love."

Lorelai wrinkled her nose. "Well," she said uncertainly, "that was… morbid."

Rory smiled sadly. "That was Shakespeare," she answered, letting go of her mom and shutting herself in her room again.

She stood with her back to the door for a moment, just trying to get her bearings. She didn't know what she was going to do with all this… but suddenly, she knew where to start.

Rory went to her closet and dug through the boxes at the back. She found what she was searching for at the very bottom: her "Jess box." It was unlabeled. At the time, she had simply wanted to remove all reminders of him from her life as quickly as possible, and she couldn't bear to write his name. She had never touched it since, dreading its contents. A veritable Pandora's box, filled with a whole host of Troubles... but also with a small spirit named Hope as well (no less dangerous).

It couldn't hurt her now. It had taken her fifteen years to get here, but she was finally going to wallow.

She dragged the box from her closet and laboriously lowered herself to the floor to kneel beside it, brushed the dust off gently, and then took a deep breath before opening it. She smiled. It was mostly filled with books and CDs, all defaced or adorned by his tiny, neat scribbles. There was one in particular she was looking for, and she soon located it.

_Howl_.

She lifted the slim paperback delicately (a precious artifact) and carefully opened it. There were his words, his thoughts, scattered across every page, and all for her. She traced his handwriting lovingly with her fingers until her vision started to blur with tears. These were the first words he'd ever written to her, and they took on new meaning to her now that she knew more about the boy who had written them. She thought of him, so scarred and angry and alone, and yet, struck with love by a girl he'd barely met, offering the gift of his innermost thoughts, wanting to share a glimpse of his soul with her; a privilege offered to almost no one else. She hadn't understood the significance of the gesture at the time, but now… The tears started to spill over now. Rory crawled onto her bed and finally let herself sob into her pillow, clutching the book to her chest. She wept for the boy she had loved, who had been too broken to stay, and she wept for the man she loved now, that _she_ was now too broken to keep. Why had they been doomed to never be ready for each other at the same time? She missed him. She thought a part of her would probably miss him forever.

**They still have a long way to go, but for those who might feel discouraged by the end, just remember: Rory- emotional intelligence of a pile of rocks. She tends to take things at face value, but that doesn't mean she _should..._ ;-)**

**Thanks for reading! And I still love reviews... I love knowing your thoughts, what you liked, even what you _didn't_ like!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N. I'm just floored by the wonderful support this story has been receiving! Thanks so much to everyone who's followed, favorited, and especially reviewed! And now, for Chapter 3: Rory's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Really Bad Day.**

Rory hadn't been to Luke's diner in ages. Too, too long! She missed it, but the melange of smells, from coffee to onion rings and frying meat, had for months sent her fleeing to the restroom to dry heave into the toilet. Ugh. But as her "Inhabitant" grew into its third trimester, her stomach was settling to the point where Rory and Lorelai tentatively decided to give it one more try.

A very pregnant Rory bravely threw open the door to Luke's like Aragorn bursting into the Great Hall of Edoras. "I'm in!" she cried triumphantly, still standing in the doorway, feet planted wide like the conquering hero she was.

"Well? What do you think?" Lorelai prompted, peering over Rory's shoulder.

"You're letting the cold air in!" Luke growled. "Stop keepin' my door open. You're either in or you're out; pick one."

"Oh! Sorry, Luke," Rory grinned, letting her mother past so they could shut the door. She got to see his beloved, crotchety face at home now too, but it just wasn't the same as being yelled at from behind the counter.

"Well?" Lorelai asked impatiently.

Rory inhaled, and then waited. Nothing happened. "I think..." she began cautiously, "I think I'm ok! I think we can finally do this!"

"Oh, thank _God_!" Lorelai sighed dramatically. "So, what'll it be, kid? Table? Counter? Hurry!"

"Good grief! Are you trying to prepare me for raising a toddler? Ummm, counter!"

"Yay!" Lorelai squealed, then rushed over to claim two stools. Rory gingerly maneuvered herself up onto a seat.

"What can I get ya?" Luke beamed. "Boy, is it good to see you here, Rory."

"It's good to _be_ here! I missed it! I'll have hot chocolate to start with…"

"I raided Taylor's sweet shoppe for peppermint sticks, just in case you ever felt up to comin' in…"

"Aww, you old softy, you!" Lorelai crooned.

"You're the best, Luke! Thank you so much! And I'll have, um… pancakes, please."

"How about a spinach omelette with Swiss cheese?"

"Ummm, that does seem like a very… _healthy _choice, yes, but you see, I don't know if my stomach can _handle_ that right now? I'm pushing my luck coming here as it is."

"Yeah, Luke! The baby wants what it wants."

Rory nodded. "Yes. And right now, your _future grandchild_ wants _pancakes_."

"Fine," Luke glared. "ButI'mmakin' you_ whole wheat_ pancakes and I'm putting _blueberries _in 'em."

"Sold! Ooh, and can you put some cinnamon in like last time? That was really good."

"You bet. And you?"

"Well, in deference to my lovely daughter here and her superhuman sense of smell, I'd better have pancakes too."

Luke sighed. "I'll get them started for you."

"I love you, honey!" Lorelai yelled at his retreating back. She grinned for a moment, before turning back to Rory. "Sooo, my little Russian doll-" She was interrupted by her cellphone ringing. "Dang it!"

"Out," barked Luke, returning with Rory's hot chocolate.

"But I'm your wife! What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine! So, technically, this diner is-"

"Out!"

"Fine!" she pouted. "Don't pour my coffee until I'm back!" she said, putting her phone to her ear while scooting out the door.

Rory looked on, smiling in amusement and serenely sipping her hot chocolate.

"So, I talked to Jess this morning," Luke smiled, leaning in conspiratorially.

Rory's head snapped up. "Oh yeah?"

For years, they had been doing this. Lorelai left the room, and Luke would give Rory an update on Jess. It had started after the car accident in highschool, when they had bonded over being the only two people in Stars Hollow who loved him, but he had become a taboo subject after Jess ran away to California. Luke had started to give her updates again after he saw her at Truncheon's open house, assuming they were friends again. Rory didn't have the heart to tell Luke that she had ruined it, and it had become her way of making sure Jess was ok, even when she felt like she'd lost the right to contact him herself. Things had been better between them in more recent years, but Rory and Luke still bonded over the "news from Jess."

"So, what's he been up to?" she asked, stirring her cocoa in what she hoped was a casual manner.

"Well, work seems to be going good as usual, but apparently Mr. Antisocial had a _date_ last night," Luke chuckled.

Rory froze. So this was it. He really _was_ over her. "Yeah?" she replied unsteadily, attempting to smile.

"Yeah. He normally doesn't get out much, you know, but he's been doing so well lately, I'd love to see him settle down with some nice girl, finally. Now that he's, you know, _fit for human consumption_," Luke drawled slyly, obviously thrilled by the idea.

"Well, that's great," Rory said weakly. She suddenly felt her nausea returning in full force.

"I'm back!" Lorelai trilled, coming back inside. Luke gave Rory a wink, and then left to check on their breakfasts, completely oblivious to the havoc he had just wreaked.

"So sorry about that. There was a crisis at the inn and- Rory! Honey, are you ok? You look really pale..."

Rory felt dizzy. Her hands were shaking. "Um, I'm not feeling so great. I guess I'm not ready for this after all."

"Aw, sweets! Do you want to take the food home with you?"

"I… can't be here any longer. I've completely lost my appetite anyway, so… I'm just going to go home. I'm sorry, Mom."

"Don't apologize. We'll come back another time! Let's get you home!"

"No! No, you should stay. Enjoy your breakfast. I think I just want to be alone right now, and the fresh air will probably help, anyway."

"Well, ok, if you're sure…"

"I'm sure. Love you, Mom."

Rory took great gulps of air as she made her way down the street. _Calm, stay calm._ She only had to hold it together for a few more minutes, until she reached the house. Then she could be alone.

It seemed to take hours to make it to the Crap Shack, but she finally closed the door and leaned against it, breathing shakily. _Jess went on a date last night_. Rory crumpled, hiding her face in her hands as the tears started to fall freely. She knew this would happen someday, but she found she wasn't prepared. It had been about a month since she'd realized she loved him. A month of trying to grapple with her feelings face to face. The wallowing had been cathartic, but clearly she wasn't over him yet, hadn't really let go of the idea of them, together. That niggling _what if_... _what if_ they someday got the timing right, _what if_ he wasn't really as "over it" as he claimed to be, _what if_ she got herself together and could manage to once again become that girl he had fallen in love with? But now? This was it. It was done. She was pregnant with her newly wedded ex-boyfriend's secret love child, and Jess was moving on with someone else. No doubt someone who deserved him more, someone successful and kind and beautiful, who came with a lot less baggage. She couldn't blame him. And she wanted him to be happy; he deserved to be happy. But, oh, it hurt so much. If it were simply that she wanted him and couldn't have him, that would have been one thing, but the knowledge that he had once wanted her just as much… It added a level of torment that mere unrequited love couldn't match.

But what could she do? She had to let him go and get on with her life. She would soon have a son to raise and care for. She decided to focus on that, and threw herself into researching car seats, safety regulations, and statistics.

About half an hour into this, she heard the mail arrive and got up to check the mailbox. Opening it, she pulled her hand back as if scalded when she found a thick manila envelope stuffed inside, containing Jess's markups on her latest chapter. Rory felt a strong urge to ask if this day could possibly get any worse, but that seemed too much like tempting fate. If it had been any other chapter, or any other day, the same sight would have been met with a pounding heart and a flutter of excitement. But not today. This was the chapter that covered her affair with Dean and her fall from grace. And to receive it today, of all days! Why had she even sent it to Jess in the first place? Some misguided impulse towards "honesty," probably.

"Well, this is great, just _great_," she muttered bitterly to herself as she tore open the envelope. She dreaded seeing what he had to say. And boy, he did not disappoint.

There were a few scathing comments about Dean. Next to a passage where she described learning about Dean's engagement, Jess had scribbled: _So, he f-ing __proposes__ to his rebound girlfriend the __day after__ he gets into an all-out brawl with me over you? What an a-hole._ He didn't give himself a free pass, either, expressing regret and embarrassment about making things harder for her.

But when she related the events surrounding the beginning of the affair and her fight with her mom, Jess got personal. _Looks like I'm not the only one with Gatsby issues… "Can't repeat the past? Why of course you can!" But it doesn't work that way, does it?_

Rory was _livid_. Alright, _yes_, she had made a terrible decision, but what right did Jess Mariano have telling her what a mess she was at nineteen? As if he was one to talk! Running away from her, blurting out _I love you_, and then _driving_ away from her… Freaking dropping in _completely_ out of the blue, telling her to throw away her entire life and run off with him because he was supposedly "dependable" now…

Perhaps she should have stopped to consider that she was already upset, and that her elevated hormone levels often caused swings towards the irritable and irrational… but she didn't. She grabbed her phone and furiously pressed Jess's name in her contacts.

"Hello?"

_Dang_ _it_. Just hearing him _speak_ sent a thrill down her spine. The low, husky cadence of his voice in her ear had an intimate quality that made her think of things she definitely shouldn't be thinking about. Her frustration made her even angrier.

"Jess. Hi. It's Rory."

"So the caller ID told me. What's up, Rory?"

"_What is up_?" she repeated fiercely, "I'll tell you _what's up_. I got your edits in the mail today."

"Ah."

"Yes. And I have to say, Jess, you have got a _lot_ of nerve, making some of those comments. I don't recall _asking_ for your opinion on my personal life!"

"Huh. See, the way I remember it, you asked me for my feedback on your _memoirs,_ so… you kinda did."

She was in _no mood_ for his attitude right now!

"How _dare_ you! And to criticize Dean like that! As if _you_ were a saint in all this."

"Never said I was…"

"It's been fifteen _years_, Jess! You can't seriously still be jealous of Dean, can you?" she asked snidely, and part of her hoped he was.

Jess laughed humorlessly. "Yes, because what other_ possible_ reason could I have for criticizing him. You know, I'd like to think I've matured enough to admit I understand what you saw in him. He always called when he said he would and was always available when you needed him and got along with your mother… I can admit he was a hell of a lot better at those things than I was. But that doesn't... You know what? In a way, maybe I am jealous of Dean. I can work my a- off, trying to be a better person, to be the sort of man you and Luke could be proud of, but I'll never be seen as anything but my worst self. _Nothing_ I can do will make anyone see me any differently, but Dean? Dean can yell at you and publicly humiliate you, not once, but _twice_, and f-ing _cheat on his wife_ and make you the "other woman" while he takes your virginity, and he gets immortalized as_ wholesome_ and _sweet _and the _perfect boyfriend_. Jeez, what is the _deal_ with this guy? Did he put some kind of mind-control drug into all those water bottles he oh-so-selflessly changed for you and your mom? 'Cause that's the only rational explanation I can come up with right now."

He was _really angry_, and she hadn't expected that. She felt her control over their argument slipping through her fingers and felt a rising sense of panic.

"Jess…"

"Whatever, Rory. You know, I'm starting to think this was a mistake, agreeing to do this with you. It's just dragging up too much sh-."

Rory's heart stopped. "What are you saying?" she asked breathlessly. _She was losing him._

"I don't know. I just… We're fighting about _Dean_, Rory. This is _ridiculous_."

"You're right. You _are_," she backtracked desperately. "I'm... I'm sorry. I'm having a really bad day and I took it out on you. I was already feeling really crappy, and then you were throwing all my past mistakes back at me..."

Jess sighed heavily. "I'm not... _judging_ you, ok? That's not what this is. I'm not claiming to have any kind of moral high ground. I just… Look. We're friends, right?"

"Right."

"Well, friends call each other on their sh-, Rory. I know my life has been infinitely better because you called me on mine. Remember that you listed me getting you back to Yale as one of my good points? I seem to recall that mainly involved me asking you what the hell you were doing…"

"Ok, fine, but do you really need to call me out on something that happened fifteen years ago? I already knew it was a mistake! There is _nothing_ I can do about it now!"

"I know. I'm just… I'm worried about you, Rory. Because you just did it _again_."

"What are you talking about?"

"Logan? You've had a rough year, I know, but… Then I'm readin' this and… It's getting to be a pattern, Rory, and you can't keep doing this. You have a rough year, you feel bad about yourself, and then you seek comfort in the arms of someone who once loved you, current relationships be damned."

Rory was speechless. He was right. "Oh my G-," she said distantly.

"Yeah. And I care about you, Rory. You don't wanna be like this! It's not who you are."

"Maybe it is. Maybe this _is_ who I am." And there it was. What she feared so much that she'd been unable to say it out loud until now.

"Rory…"

"No, it is!" The wound was gushing now, and she was unable to stop it. "You're right, I keep doing this, over and over again! And what if this is just who I am? I'm this terrible, selfish person who just bulldozes over people to get what I want!"

"But you're _more_ than that! You can _be_ more than that!" Jess was audibly distressed, vehement. She heard him take a deep breath. "Do you… ok, I know this is bringing up bad memories, but did you know that I followed my dad out to California when I left Stars Hollow?"

"Yes," she said softly. "Yes, I heard that's where you went."

"Yeah, well… My father left me before I even came home from the hospital. The thought of being a father scared him, so he just… ran away. F-ing coward. But see, I was finally getting to know him for the first time, and it hit me: I was _exactly_ like him. He... moved like me, talked like me… listened to the same music… It was uncanny. And I _hated_ it. I _hated _knowing that I had run out on you the same way he ran out on me. And I thought, is this it? Am I just _destined_ to be a complete loser for the rest of my life, like both of my parents were losers?"

"But you're _not_, Jess! You're not like your father at _all_!"

"Thanks. But I _was._ And that's my point. I had to _decide_ that I wasn't going to end up like him. You get to _decide_ who you're gonna be; it's not some inescapable destiny. I decided that if I was going to follow after _anybody_, I would rather be like Luke. God knows, he's been more of a father to me than Jimmy, all of Liz's husbands and endless boyfriends put together."

"Jess…"

"What I mean is, you have a choice, Rory. I mean, are you happy right now?"

"No, no I'm not. I _hate_ being like this. I don't want to _be_ like this."

"Then you don't have to be. But you've gotta face the hard facts first. You've always had a bit of a Cleopatra thing goin'..." he teased gently.

"Ha ha."

"Have you ever thought about counseling?"

She felt immediately defensive. "Oh, great. So you think I'm crazy, too!"

"That's not what I said; don't put words in my mouth. It's just… sometimes it can be helpful to have a neutral third party to talk through things with. Sometimes they notice things you wouldn't notice yourself. And when you keep making the same mistakes, usually there's some sort of underlying reason _why_… It can be helpful to figure that out so you can deal with it."

"I guess that's true…"

"Didn't your mom go to therapy this year?"

"Yeah."

"And did she find it helpful at all?"

"I guess so…"

"Well, there you go. And… I've done some, too. I had… have? a lot of issues, Rory. A _lot_ of issues. I'd like to think I've gotten past most of them…"

"You have! You _definitely_ have."

"Thanks. _Thank you_. But I didn't do it alone, understand? There's no rule saying _you_ have to do it alone. It doesn't make you weak, Rory, just human."

"Yeah, I get it. You know, I did see a therapist for a while after I went back to Yale."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I didn't like him very much, though."

"That happens. But you're not in college anymore. If you don't like someone, you can go find someone else."

"That's true… Well, I guess I'll think about it, then."

"Good. I… I just want you to be happy, Rory."

"I know. You're a good friend, Jess."

"Well, at least I can be a better friend than a boyfriend, huh?" he said wryly.

"Jess… I just want you to know, what you said earlier? About people never seeing you differently no matter what you do? It's not true. Not for me, anyway."

"Huh. Well… thanks, Rory. I appreciate it. I think your mom's a lost cause, though."

"I've been working on it! I tried to _tell_ her how much you've changed!"

"That's nice of you. But good luck with that. Your mom's like Mr. Darcy."

Rory sputtered with laughter. "I'msorry_, What_?"

"You know… 'My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.' That pretty much sums up my relationship with your mother in one sentence."

"Ha! You know, I know someone _else_ who's a lot like Mr. Darcy…" Rory teased.

"Oh, man," Jess groaned, seeming to guess where she was going with this.

"Yeah, he's so dark and handsome and _brooding..._"

"Oh, and fabulously wealthy, too," he drawled sarcastically. "Can't forget _that… _Oh, _wait…_ that was your _other_ ex-boyfriend."

"Yes, and he's _rude_ and makes _really awful proposals_…"

"Oh jeez."

"But then he sees the error of his ways and fixes everything for everybody and becomes so wonderful that she just can't help falling in love with him…"

Silence.

_Crap_. Crap crap crap! Rory scrambled for a change of subject.

"Um, so how was your date?"

"What?" Jess seemed bewildered.

"Luke told me you had a date last night."

"Jeez, I might as well have told East Side Tilly," he muttered in annoyance.

"Have you known her long?"

Jess seemed uncomfortable. "I guess. She's been coming into the bookstore for a couple years. Got good taste in literature… and she's a hospice nurse, so we've had some interesting conversations about life and death and stuff. She likes the Russians."

"Makes sense. Wow. A _hospice nurse_. That's amazing. She must be a really kind and selfless person to do something like that." _Unlike me_, Rory thought miserably. It looked like Jess had really traded up.

"Yeah. You'd have to be, I guess."

"Right. What's her name?"

"Her name's Sylvia."

"Sylvia, wow. Is she pretty? I bet she's pretty."

"Yeah. Yeah, she's pretty."

"So how was it? Your date with Sylvia, the Hospice Nurse?"

"It was fine," Jess said stiffly.

"Are you going to see her again?"

"I don't know," he mumbled after a pause. "Maybe."

"Well. Good," Rory choked out, holding back tears. "She sounds really, really great. I hope that works out for you. And that you'll be really happy. You _deserve_ to be happy, Jess," she said earnestly. "You _deserve_ to be with someone who's beautiful and kind and... has her life together. I wish you all the best."

She hung up and cried. She was so sick of crying.

After she'd finally calmed down, she opened her door to get a glass of water. And something to eat (that lack of breakfast was really catching up to her)...

"Hey, babe! You feeling better?" her mom called from the living room.

"I need food!" Rory yelled back.

"Ok! Well, while you're eating it, do you want to watch a movie?"

"Sure!" Rory answered. A distraction. That would be good. She microwaved the pancakes her mom had brought home from Luke's (a good idea after all) and waddled down the hall. "So, what are we watching?"

"Well, I was kind of in the mood for 'the Great Gatsby' today. You know, I can enjoy the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio finally looks like a grown man, and _you_ can enjoy telling me how 50 Cent really captures the decadence of the Lost Generation…"

Rory let out a string of _very_ unladylike words and went right back to the kitchen.

"Rory!" Lorelai gasped and scrambled after her daughter. "What is it? Did I say something?"

"Gatsby, Mom. _Really_?"

"I thought you liked that movie!"

"I've just been having a _really_ bad day... and I just had a fight with Jess."

"Oh. Ohhhhhh. That whole 'long-lost love and pining' thing, huh?"

"That's part of it, I guess, but mostly it's that Jess says I have 'Gatsby issues.'" She made giant quote marks in the air with her fingers.

"That little _jerk_! _You_ have Gatsby issues? When _he's_ the one who-"

"Mom! Not done yet!"

"Ok, fine, shutting up, listening."

"Can we move back to the couch first? My back hurts and I'm starving."

"Of course! Come, come!"

They sat down, and Rory scarfed down about half of her pancakes before starting again. "Ok, so, today I got back his edits for one of my chapters, and, um… it was about the end of my freshman year of college… with the whole Dean and Lindsay fiasco."

"Oooh." Lorelai winced sympathetically.

"Yeah. And he commented that I have issues with trying to repeat the past, like Gatsby. I was so mad… I called him up to yell at him, but we talked and… He's right, Mom. When I'm feeling lost and alone, I keep trying to go back in time to when I felt better about myself."

"Huh."

"I was having such a terrible time my freshman year, and Dean was so nice to me… and I wished I had stayed with him instead of being with Jess. I think I was trying to erase Jess from my life, like he'd never happened."

"Oh, honey."

"But you can't do that. There are no do-overs."

"No, there aren't."

"And with Logan, I was feeling so lost when Grandpa died, and I wasn't really enjoying journalism anymore… and Logan made me feel like life was an adventure, made me feel like that girl who knew what she wanted. And I get so wrapped up in my fantasy world that I ignore the people like Lindsay and Odette who are standing in the way of what I want. It's like I just… pretend they don't exist. G-, I'm so horrible!"

"Honey, you are not horrible."

"Mom! Don't try to make me feel better about this! Just be honest with me! Do you really think this is ok?!"

"Fine! No! It's not ok! I've been really worried about you! It's like I've been watching you self-destruct this past year, and I didn't know what to do about it. You don't always take criticism well, babe."

"I know. The only one who seems to be able to get through to me when I'm like this is Jess. I don't know _why_, he just… understands me. Really _really_ well."

"Huh. Well, good for him, then."

"You're right, though. I've been spiraling, and I don't know how to stop. I've been thinking about, maybe, getting some help. Maybe some therapy or something. What do you think?"

"I think… it's really hard for us to ask for help. Maybe especially you. We like to think of ourselves as strong, independent women, and we _are_! But you know, everybody needs help sometimes, and maybe it doesn't make you weak… maybe it's just part of being human."

Rory shook her head in disbelief. "There you go again. You and Jess are like two peas in a pod."

"Shut. Up! _Again_?!"

"_Two minds with but a single thought_!" Rory teased.

"Ugh, that's so _weird_. I don't know how I feel about it."

"Mom... I just thought of something."

"What is it, sweets?"

"Do you think I'm doing the same thing with Jess? Oh my G-, what if I _am?_ It fits the pattern! My life is spinning out of control and I'm trying to go back to some past love when I liked myself and relive some golden age!"

"You and Jess had a golden age?"

"Mom! Am I Gatsby-ing?"

"Hmm. Well... do you _want_ to relive the past with Jess?"

"Well… no, not really. Our past kinda _sucked_, actually."

"Uh-huh... and who do you like better: imaginary Nostalgia Jess, or Jess as he is now, in real life?"

A slow, smitten smile blossomed across Rory's face. "Oh, _now_," she breathed.

"Ugh. Do you think morning sickness is contagious? 'Cause I'm suddenly feeling like I gotta hurl."

Rory shoved her mom, face bright pink. "Shut up!"

"I don't know, hon. I think maybe this is one of those things where you've just got to give it time. Wait and see."

"Yeah, I guess. Wait a second, what am I saying? There is no waiting and seeing! Ugh! How could I forget?! I'm the worst. The literal _worst_."

"Honey, what are you talking about?"

"Jess had a date last night. He went out with someone else. Her name is Sylvia and she's _perfect_."

"Oh, Rory!"

"Yeah. Luke told me this morning. I confirmed the details later."

"Oh, sweetie! You _have_ been having a bad day!"

"Yeah. I have. I really _really_ have. But I'm going to let this be. I _have_ to! I'm not going to put myself in this position again! Mom?"

"Rory?"

"I need you to hold me to this! I'm done burying my head in the sand! I'm facing facts. I… am in love with Jess. But I need to leave him alone. Stay away! And I need you to remind me. Hold me back! Rope me to the mast like Odysseus if you have to!"

"So, Jess is an irresistible Siren, got it."

"Mom, I'm serious! I'm trying to do the right thing, here!"

"Ok, I'll be serious too. I promise, babe. If you forget, I'll remind you."

"Thanks."

"You know… I'm really proud of you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's hard to admit when you've made mistakes, and it's even harder to try to fix them. And admitting you might need help getting there is a huge thing."

"I owe that to Jess," Rory said unsteadily. Her eyes filled with tears. "Mom? Do you think it's ok for me to say that I'm really disappointed about this?"

"Oh, honey! Of course it is! We're being honest about our feelings now, remember?"

"Yeah. Well, I… I know that I said I wasn't expecting anything to happen, and that it's not a good time for it anyway, but the truth is… I still hoped… I still hoped that someday I could be with him." Rory broke down crying, and Lorelai took her in her arms.

"Shhhh. Shhhh, it'll be alright," she whispered, rubbing her daughter's back tenderly.

She wanted to tell her that things could still change, that one date did not a serious relationship make, and that she'd seen the way Jess had looked at her during the wedding… but she had made a promise to her daughter. And she intended to keep it.

**Poor Rory has been crying so much in this fic! Though she IS pregnant... I mean, when I was pregnant, I cried because I was listening to the "Lion King" sound track while washing dishes... I think I can safely promise that this will be the last chapter that ends with her in tears, though! I would love to hear what you thought of this chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N. This chapter marks a bit of a turning point in this story. It got pretty long, too... They keep getting bigger, like Harry Potter books... So, consider this my "Goblet of Fire," as it were. It's also a deeply personal one for me, and I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to all who took the time to read and review! You have no idea how much it means to me.**

Rory had never been a "baby person." They were cute (well, most of them), but she had never felt that gravitational pull that most of the girls she knew seemed to feel when a baby was in the room. When other girls clustered around, cooing and begging for a turn to hold the squishy bundle, Rory had always been content to stand at a distance and smile. She was largely immune to the charms of newborns in particular, and had always found it rather funny when people called them "beautiful," when they were objectively red, wrinkled, and alien-looking. She'd never even considered babysitting as a youthful source of revenue.

The truth was that she'd always felt a bit awkward around young children. She didn't know what to _do_ with them. She had always felt this way, even when she was a child herself, always feeling more comfortable relating to adults. She'd been a strange little girl who wasn't interested in the same things her peers were interested in, preferring to lose herself in books and other esoteric interests the other kids found "boring," except for Lane.

The idea of motherhood was frankly terrifying. She was determined to do her best, but she had very little confidence in her nurturing abilities. What if she couldn't love her son? What if she was just… lacking in the maternal department? She forgot all that when her son was placed in her arms for the first time. She had just endured a great deal of pain, and he was just as red and wrinkly as any other newborn, but the overwhelming surge of emotion she felt towards this shriveled, trembling, bleating creature was like falling in love for the first time. When he opened his eyes and blearily studied her face, she didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so she did both at once. He was perfect, and he was _hers_.

She was captivated by everything he did; watching his tiny pink mouth open and close, his blinking eyes (still that indiscriminate dark grey common to newborns) taking in the strange, new world around him, his tiny, perfect fingers closing around hers with a surprisingly strong grip, his soft downy hair… This was an all-consuming love, and in these first moments there was no room for anything else. Her plans for the book, her hopeless longing for Jess, all was pushed aside. There was only one boy who held her heart at the moment, and he had mittens on his tiny hands to keep him from scratching his own eyes out with his tiny, sharp fingernails.

Luke and Lorelai were just as smitten. "Hi!" Lorelai cooed, holding this bundled boy in her arms and smiling tearfully into his little red face. "Oh, I am so happy to meet you! We are going to be the best of friends. I'm your mommy's Mommy, but you can call me Lola, 'cause I am waaaay too young and pretty to be a grandma."

Luke cradled his first grandson carefully in strong, flannel-covered arms, as if he were made of glass. He was a man of few words, especially when overcome with emotion, but his wife and step-daughter both saw a few tears make their way down his grizzled cheeks. They wouldn't tell a soul.

Emily had cried as well, especially when she was told that Rory had chosen to name her son Richard, after her beloved grandfather. The circumstances of his conception had been very painful for Emily, but she was doing her best to accept it with grace. Logan had written her a letter, offering his apologies for his part in the situation, and an assurance that he had no desire to bring scandal on either of their families. He regretted that his prior commitment to Odette prevented him from being able to marry Rory, but gave his assurances that he would make sure Rory and the baby would be well taken care of. He also entreated her discretion about the matter for the sake of their reputations, and to allow him to tell his family in his own way. It was probably the best strategy Logan and Rory could have possibly made in handling this situation, as Emily had always had a soft spot for Logan, and he played the game well. From childhood, he had been schooled in the art of telling people exactly what they wanted to hear, and in such a way that they ended up believing that what he wanted was really what they wanted too. Emily Gilmore was no fool. She knew very well that Logan cared more about gaining her cooperation than expressing any sincere regret, but she was a firm believer in the idea that there was a certain way things Ought To Be Done, and she appreciated that Logan had taken the time to observe the proper formalities. Besides, there was one point on which they absolutely agreed: it would be best for everyone involved to keep this as quiet as possible. Just once she would have liked to be able to celebrate the arrival of a new grandchild with all the pomp and circumstance usually given to such events: have birth announcements printed in all the local papers and beautifully done photographs to distribute to friends and family… But yet again, it was not to be. It was a bitter disappointment, but she was making the best of it.

Logan had been informed as soon as Rory had been sure she was in labor, and he had flown over as soon as he could. Watching Logan hold their son was bittersweet and strange for Rory, and added an edge of melancholy to all the joy and love she felt. Here was this man she had loved, and she had meant to let him go, but now they were irrevocably tied to one another through this small child, and neither of them could keep him with them always.

"He's so perfect, Ace," Logan murmured hoarsely. "I wish I didn't have to let him go."

It broke Rory's heart. "I know," she said. "But you can visit any time, ok? And there's Skype or FaceTime, or whatever you want." She watched Logan nod, swallowing roughly, his eyes fixed on his son's small face. "His name is Richard Logan Gilmore, so your name will be a part of him always."

Logan grimaced. "Oh, Ace," he sighed, "you shouldn't have."

Rory stiffened. There was something in his tone that indicated he meant it literally. "What do you mean?" she asked warily. "We discussed this _months_ ago. You said you were upset that he wouldn't have your last name, and when I proposed this as an alternative, _you_ said it would mean a lot to you!"

Logan sighed yet again. "I know. I know what I said. It's just that there's no question at all who his father is now, is there?"

Rory couldn't believe she was hearing this. "But we agreed," she pressed, her voice shaking. "We agreed that our son wouldn't be some dirty little secret. I mean you've already told your parents and Odette, right?"

Logan remained silent.

"_Seriously?_! Logan!"

"Look. I know what we agreed, but you also said you didn't want my parents involved in his upbringing. I don't blame you; I don't particularly want them involved either... but don't you see what an _impossible _position you've put me in?"

"I… _I've_ put you in? You agreed! You told me you'd take care of it!"

"And I will! I'm just working up to it. You _have_ to understand how difficult this is."

"And Odette? I didn't say I didn't want _her_ involved."

"I haven't found the right moment yet."

"Unbelievable. Is there _ever_ going to be a 'right moment' for telling your wife you fathered a child while you were engaged?"

"There will be. I'll make it happen, I promise you."

"Great," Rory said bitterly. She'd believe it when it happened. This was not what she'd hoped for. This was supposed to be a mature, 21st century co-parenting agreement, not the "secret mistress with secret bastard child" 19th century nightmare this was rapidly turning into. "Well," she said sarcastically, "What do you want me to do? Keep his middle name a secret for you? Pretend the "L" doesn't stand for anything, like 'Harry S. Truman?'"

Logan would only look at his baby boy. "Whatever is easiest for you," he shrugged. "It won't be forever."

Richie began to squirm in his father's arms, whimpering and trying to stuff his mittened hand into his mouth.

"He's hungry," Rory informed Logan crossly. "Let me take him. It's not like you want him anyway."

"Ace, that's not fair," he sighed, reluctantly transferring the baby to Rory's arms.

"I want to believe you, Logan," Rory said, focusing on helping Richie start nursing. She didn't care if it made Logan uncomfortable. _Join the twenty-first century, Logan. When blended families and public breastfeeding are facts of life._ Besides, it's not like he hadn't seen it all before. "But I'm going to need 'deeds not words' at some point."

* * *

She texted a photo to Jess the next day.

_"Well done, Gilmore. He looks just like Winston Churchill, congrats!"_ was the response.

Rory laughed, looking down at the bald head, protruding lip, and heavy jowls of her baby boy with affectionate amusement. She had tried to keep up a respectfully distant sort of friendship with Jess since she'd heard about Sylvia. She'd cited preoccupation with the impending arrival of her baby as the reason she'd stopped sending him chapters to read, and it was true enough. There was so much to do, and she'd managed to find a female therapist she liked as well, congratulating herself on getting that habit established before "D-DAY," as the Gilmore Girls had taken to calling it. Jess was right: it was proving to be very helpful to have a neutral second opinion as she attempted to sort through the mess her life had become. She'd never been particularly adept at self-reflection, so it was nice to have help with that, and especially from someone who wasn't biased in her favor. As much as she loved her mom and Lane, she recognized that they often went easier on her than they should. She used to appreciate that, had found it comforting to always have people to tell her everything would be ok, but she wanted no more of that now. Honesty, not comfort, was the order of the day. This was a new era for Rory. She was a mother to a beautiful baby boy, and she wanted to be a good person for him, not some feckless, irresponsible, self-indulgent… _person_ with no obligation to anyone! She would not be like her father. She would _not_ be like Liz.

Speaking of Liz, Rory was now tied to Luke's (and by extension, Jess's) extended family as well, and Liz… well, Liz was _definitely_ a "baby person." Liz, TJ, and a shyly smiling Doula all descended upon her the day after she brought Richie home from the hospital.

"Oh, he's so _beautiful_!" Liz enthused, after Rory reluctantly set Richie in her arms. "Oh, he is gonna be one special kid, I can just _feel_ it, you know? And he's so quiet! It's been _ages_ since I held a little boy, but Jess was _never_ a quiet baby. He cried _all the time_. Never makin' my life easy from the get-go, that one!" Liz laughed, but Rory was not amused. She was very tempted to make some acid retort about that being common in babies who had to detox at birth, but she reminded herself that she didn't actually _know_ the details of what Liz had and hadn't done while pregnant with Jess. And she shouldn't say things like that in front of Doula, anyway...

Doula shyly asked if she could hold the baby, and after sending her to wash her hands and propping her up with pillows, she cradled her new cousin with exquisite care. "I like his little nose," she said quietly, her eyes shining, and Rory smiled at her warmly. Doula shared some resemblance to her big brother, even though they shared only one parent. She had the same big brown eyes framed by dark lashes, and a tangle of thick brown hair that always seemed to need combing. It made Rory wonder what Jess had looked like as a little boy, and the image was endlessly appealing. Doula was ten years old now, and at that awkward, coltish stage of childhood marked by gangly limbs and front teeth too big for her smile. She didn't seem to have her brother's brilliant mind, but she was a quiet, sweet girl and Rory liked her.

Rory could only take so much of Liz and TJ's inane chatter before she found her patience wearing thin, but all she had to do was declare that Richie might need a diaper change to push them out the door. As Rory was waving goodbye, Doula raced back to her and, after a moment's hesitation, timidly asked, "Can I come back and see him sometimes? He's so cute…"

Rory beamed at her. "Of course you can! You'll need to be quiet, 'cause he might be sleeping, but you're welcome to come any time."

Doula lit up like a beacon. "Really? Thanks, Rory!" she squealed, hugging her impulsively. "Oh!" she gasped then, suddenly remembering the baby in Rory's arms as he gave an indignant squawk. "Sorry, Richie!" she whispered, kissing his downy head and then bounding back down the porch steps after her parents.

The next few weeks passed by in a sleep-deprived blur. Breastfeeding was weird but strangely satisfying. She discovered muscles in her back she didn't know _existed_ before they grew sore from the constant nine-pound weight her arms were carrying. Her life revolved around poop more than she ever thought possible. She was more _exhausted_ than she had ever thought possible… But at least there was coffee. Blessed, blessed coffee! She had to be careful about when and how much she drank, but at least it was _something_. And there was Richie. Everything was new and wonder-full through his eyes, and sometimes when Rory looked at him, her heart felt so full she thought it might burst.

Through all of this, Doula became a regular visitor, coming three days a week on her way home from school. She usually knocked softly, but also knew how to find the key in the turtle in case Rory was unable to come to the door. She was a lifesaver, keeping Richie distracted during diaper changes, eagerly fetching drinks or snacks for Rory if she was nursing, and, if Richie was napping, happily agreeing to watch over him so that Rory could grab a quick shower, being under strict orders to tell her if Richie woke up. It helped to have some relief before her mother or Luke came home from work.

"I always wanted a baby brother or sister, but Mom and Dad are too old," Doula chattered. "They were already old when they had me. I was the baby sister instead! At least I have a cool big brother, though. I mean, he's not like a normal big brother, because he was a grown-up already and I never had to share my house or my stuff, and we don't have the same dad, so I'm kinda sorta an only child too, but as far as big brothers go, he's pretty awesome."

"Oh yeah?" Rory smiled, patting Richie on the back after feeding him, ready with a burp cloth in case he spat it up again.

"Yeah!" Doula confirmed. "He does cool magic tricks, but he's not, like, _dorky _about it, you know? And he comes take me for ice cream sometimes. He helps me with my reading, too. I'm not very good at it 'cause of my dys… dys-LEX-ia, but Jess says books are really important, and he wants me to be able to enjoy the _stories, _'cause he says that's the most important part, so he still reads to me sometimes, so I'll be able to enjoy it instead of just getting mad at the letters. And it's not, like, a _baby_ thing when he reads to me, because he's really good and _interesting_, and he reads me grown-up books instead of little kid books."

"Wow, that's amazing," Rory said. "He _does_ sound like a good big brother."

"Yeah. And he comes over with Uncle Luke whenever Mom and Dad get too crazy, so that's nice too. You're friends with Jess, right? You're both, like, really smart, and I've seen you guys talk at Christmas and stuff…"

"Yeah, I'm friends with your brother. I really like him too."

Doula beamed. It was clear from how often she talked about him that Doula adored her older brother. Rory tried not to seem more than politely interested, but she was secretly thrilled that Jess's kid sister was such a chatterbox. Jess never liked talking about himself very much, so it was great to have such a prolific source of insider information.

Richie had just finished nursing one Friday afternoon several weeks later when the usual knock came. Doula was a little later than usual. Rory quickly tugged her top back into place and went to the door, Richie propped against her shoulder. She opened the door with a smile for Doula, but suddenly found she wasn't alone this time. There were _two_ sets of brown eyes looking back at her.

"Jess," she breathed, heart suddenly pounding out of her chest. There he was, devastatingly handsome and smiling at her. She hadn't seen him in months, not since that day in his apartment when everything had changed.

"Hey, Rory," he said warmly. "Hope you don't mind me tagging along this time. This one won't stop talking about how _adorable_ your kid is…" He punctuated the word _adorable_ with a teasing pinch under Doula's arm as she giggled and squirmed away. "So I thought I'd better come see for myself," he finished, looking down at his sister fondly.

"Oh," Rory said, still feeling shell-shocked. "Yeah, sure! Come on in!" She blushed beet-red at the close proximity of Jess's smirk and his mischievous, direct gaze as he passed her on his way through the door, and she found herself frantically trying to remember if she had showered this morning. She didn't think she had! Dang it, she hadn't expected _Jess_ to see her today! She was schlumpy and gross in yoga pants and yesterday's t-shirt, unwashed hair pulled back in a hasty ponytail, and the combination of leaking breast milk and spit-up always had her vaguely smelling like cheese. She had _never_ felt more unattractive. What a disaster_! _ _Not that it should matter, really_, she reminded herself. _Sylvia Sylvia Sylvia._

"Hey, before we start the introductions... here. This is for you," Jess said, holding up a bag with a mouth-watering smell emanating from it.

"Is that…? Oh my G-d! You brought me Indian food!"

"Nah, Luke just asked me to bring that over. I don't even know what's in it," Jess said off-handedly, before breaking into laughter at the unimpressed look Rory shot at him.

"Oh, please. Like I'd fall for _that_ one again. So _that's_ why you asked me how my stomach was doing lately!"

He shrugged. "Figured you probably don't have a lot of time to make dinner these days… not that you _ever_ did much of that, really… I'll just run this to the kitchen."

"Thank you!" she called lamely after him, eyes following until Doula spoke up.

"How's Richie today?"

"Oh, he's fine. Hungry all the time, as usual… Neither one of us got much sleep last night."

"Can I hold him for a little bit? Please?" Doula begged.

"Sure," Rory agreed distractedly, glancing back towards the kitchen. "Um, have a seat. I'll get you set up."

She was just putting Richie in Doula's arms when Jess returned.

"So, this is the kid, huh?" he said, standing next to Rory and smiling down at his sister and the baby.

"Yeah, that's Richie," Rory beamed. "But hang on, we have to do this properly! Doula, I'm taking him back."

"Aw man!" she whined. "But I just got him!"

"And you can have him back in a minute! But first… Jess Mariano, this is Richard Gilmore. Richie, this is Jess!"

"Pleased to meet you," Jess addressed the baby with mock solemnity, gently touching one tiny hand with his forefinger. Richie grabbed it and studied Jess's face intently. He breathed out a quiet laugh. "Wow. He's… pretty great."

"Do you want to hold him?" Rory asked.

Jess blinked, his eyebrows raising. "Uh… ok. You sure?"

Rory nodded, smiling at him. "Just support his head," she instructed, gently placing her son in Jess's arms.

"I _have _held babies before, Rory," he drawled. "_That_ one over there, among others…" he smirked, tipping his head at Doula, who was watching eagerly. "Hey!" he said softly to Richie then, who was still staring at his face very seriously. "Look at you, takin' it all in! He's like, 'Who is _this_ guy? What's _he _up to?' Nothing good, little man. _Nothing good_."

"Stop that," Rory frowned, swatting his arm. "Don't listen to him, Richie!" she cooed. "He just doesn't want anyone to know how _nice_ he is. This guy is one of the _best_ guys."

"Now _you _stop," Jess muttered, clearly embarrassed. "You wanna go see Doula?"

"Yes!" Doula cheered, bouncing on the couch and then eagerly rearranging her pillows.

"Ok," Jess chuckled, raising his eyebrows at Rory for confirmation before carrying the baby over to his sister and making sure she was holding him securely before he retreated.

"So how are _you_ doing?" Jess asked Rory, looking at her appraisingly.

"Tired," she laughed. "Tired, but good. It's exhausting, but Richie is… G-d, he's amazing. I didn't think it was possible to love someone so much."

Jess had a soft smile on his face, his amber eyes glowing as he looked at her. "Good. You're gonna be a great mom, Rory," he said warmly.

"Well," she chuckled uncomfortably, pushing her messy hair out of her face, "I hope so. We'll see."

"You _will_," he said earnestly. Jess moved to hug her from the side, but she cringed away from him and he withdrew his arm awkwardly.

"Sorry," he muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets, "I thought… um… after the last time I saw you…"

"Oh, no!" Rory rushed to explain, finally realizing what he was thinking. "No, you're fine! Hugs are fine, it's just…" She laughed nervously. "You don't want to hug me right now. I'm _so_ gross, I haven't really had… _time_ to shower today. If Richie's sleeping, sometimes Doula keeps an eye on him so I can do that, but… well, he's awake, and _you're_ here, so… It's fine, I'm used to it. But just… don't get close enough to smell me right now. _Trust_ me."

Jess was smiling at her in amusement. "Well, why don't Doula and I watch him for a while so you can take care of yourself? You ok with that, Doula?"

"Yes!"

"Well, there you go," Jess shrugged.

"Oh. I… Well, that's very nice of you, but… Are you sure?" she fretted, wringing her hands together.

"Sure, why not?" Jess answered. "We can handle a baby for half an hour, right Doula?"

"Right!" she chirped.

"Well… ok," Rory agreed reluctantly. "Doula, do you remember where the diapers are? In the changing table?"

"Uh-huh!" she replied cheerfully.

"Ok. And you promise to come get me if he needs me for anything?"

"Promise," Jess soothed. "I'll send Doula, if necessary." He winked at her, and Rory blushed as she suddenly found herself grappling with the possibility of _Jess_ interrupting her shower instead. She heard him give a low chuckle and looked up to find him smirking at her with a wicked gleam in his eye, clearly reading what she'd been thinking on her face and taking vast enjoyment in her discomfort.

"Shut up!" she glared at him. Right on cue, Richie started fussing and squirming in Doula's arms. His little face screwed up in a grimace, and then they all heard a horrible squelching sound from his diaper. Doula looked up, wide-eyed, and Rory and Jess both grimaced.

"Oh _great_!" Rory groaned. "Well there goes _that_ idea!" She started towards her son, but Jess held her arm back.

"Hey, hey," he said. "You go. We'll get him cleaned up."

Rory looked back at him wildly. "Are you serious? That sounded like the mother of all blow-outs. I can't ask you to do that!"

"I've changed diapers before! Again, _that_ one over there!"

"Je-ess!" Doula complained, her face screwed up in embarrassment.

"But that was a girl baby! Have you ever changed a boy baby? You have to do it differently!"

"Oh my G-d, you're right! I don't have _any_ experience taking care of boy parts!" he rolled his eyes and then looked at her significantly.

Doula giggled, and Rory blushed yet again. "Ok, fine," she relented. "Um, Doula, don't forget what I told you about covering him up? I don't want Jess getting shot in the face... when I'm not there to see it..." she grinned.

Jess's mouth fell open in indignation. He scowled at Rory playfully and pushed her out of the room. "Get outta here, Gilmore, before I take back my offer," he growled.

She was still smiling as she walked down the hall, until she heard Richie's fussing escalate into a full-blown howl of discomfort. She turned right around and rushed back into the room, seeing Jess in the middle of bending over to lift the crying baby from Doula's lap, shushing him. Jess's eyes met hers as he stood up.

"Rory, go!"

"But what if he needs me?" she asked desperately.

"Rory," he said gently, "what he needs most of all right now is a diaper change, and we're trying to take care of that for him. And he needs you to take care of yourself so you don't run yourself into the ground. Now go! We got this."

"It's ok, Rory," Doula reassured her, leading the way to the changing table.

"If I can't get him to calm down after he's changed, I _promise _we'll come get you, ok?" Jess said, following with Richie.

Rory sighed anxiously. "Ok! Fine! I'll be back as _soon_ as I can, ok?" She quickly grabbed a change of clothes from her room and all but ran to the bathroom, the sound of Richie's cries tearing at her heart.

She completed her shower in record-breaking time, fueled by the adrenaline of her anxious thoughts, and as soon as the water stopped running, she listened intently. Nothing. The house was quiet. After a brief internal debate, she gave herself permission to comb her wet hair and twist it up into a quick bun after getting dressed in clean clothes. She still felt frumpy, but at least she didn't smell like cheese anymore…

She opened the door warily and tiptoed down the hall. As she peeked into the living room, she saw Jess pacing slowly back and forth with Richie, who was fast asleep with his little cheek pressed into the crook of Jess's neck. Doula was quietly petting Paul Anka on the floor.

Rory felt her chest grow tight as she watched her son, snuggled safely in the arms of the man she loved, whether from love or pain or both, she wasn't sure. It made her long for things she couldn't have. _Dammit Jess,_ she thought, _why do you have to make it so hard for me to get over you?_ She took a deep breath, and stepped into the room.

"Hey," she whispered. Jess turned to look at her and smiled. He gestured her closer.

"Hey," he whispered back. "He just fell asleep about a minute ago. Do you think he'd let me put him down?"

"If you're lucky…" she whispered. "Come on." She led the way towards her room and Jess followed her to the bassinet set up next to her bed.

"Here goes nothin'," Jess breathed, carefully bringing the sleeping baby down from his shoulder and slowly lowering him to the mattress. Jess and Rory held their breaths as Richie whimpered and stirred a bit, but then he sank back into sleep. They slowly backed out of the room and shut the door before exhaling in relief.

"I feel like I just defused a bomb," Jess joked quietly as they walked back to the living room.

Rory laughed. "So, how did it go?" she asked. "Was it really bad?"

Jess shook his head dismissively and said, "Nah, it was fine," as Doula simultaneously said, "_So_ bad!"

The two siblings frowned and looked at each other for a moment as some sort of wordless argument seemed to pass between them. Finally, Jess sighed and admitted, "Fine. It was disgusting."

"It was a _poop-splosion!_" Doula elaborated with enthusiastic horror. "It was, like, _all over him_. I had to hold his arms up to keep him from sticking his hands in it!"

Jess nodded grimly.

"And _then!_" Doula continued excitedly, "Jess had _juuust_ gotten him all cleaned up and was _just_ putting the new diaper on, when he peed alllll over himself! Jess had to pay me, like, three dollars for that!"

Jess scratched the back of his head sheepishly and explained, "Yeah, she makes me pay her a dollar every time she hears me cuss in front of her."

Rory bit her lip to keep from laughing as Doula nodded smugly.

"I was going to spare you the ugly truth, 'cause I knew you'd make yourself feel guilty about it, but _Honest Abe _over here just had to open her big mouth…" Jess glared at his little sister. She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Well, thank you. You guys are the best, seriously. I can't thank you enough," Rory sighed, feeling almost overwhelmed by their kindness.

"No problem," Jess shrugged.

Rory was debating whether including Doula would make hugging Jess more appropriate, when keys were heard in the front door and Lorelai stepped through. She looked at the three of them in surprise. "Hey! It's a party!" she smiled.

"Richie's sleeping," Rory informed her, hinting that they should keep their voices down.

Lorelai nodded in understanding and shut the door softly behind her. She seemed about to say something when she frowned suddenly and sniffed the air. "What's that smell?" she asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Oh. Richie had a massive blow-out," Rory explained.

"That, and I brought Rory Indian food," Jess smirked.

"What? No!" Lorelai whined.

"Yeah, sorry," Jess grinned, not looking sorry at all. "You'll just have to burn the house down, I guess."

Lorelai stared hard at Jess for a long moment and then traded glances with Rory, who looked extremely smug. Jess looked back and forth between them uneasily. "What?" he demanded.

"Oh, nothing, " Rory assured him cheerfully, patting his arm. "Just something between me and my mom."

"Hey, Doula!" Lorelai greeted her niece, who still had her fingers deep in Paul Anka's fur. "You get your Richie fix for the day, sweetie?"

"Yep!" she answered. "And I brought Jess, 'cause he hadn't met Richie yet."

"I'm in town for the weekend and left early so I could pick her up from school," Jess explained.

"That's nice of you," Lorelai said politely, watching her daughter's face. "So, anybody thirsty? Hungry?"

"I am!" Doula piped up eagerly.

"Well, just follow me to the kitchen, Missy! Only don't forget to be quiet! You guys coming?" she asked Rory and Jess.

"Oh, I'll, uh, come in a minute," Jess nodded, glancing at Rory. Lorelai looked at her daughter for a response.

"Yeah, just a minute, Mom," Rory smiled tightly, trying to sound casual as her heart fluttered like a captive bird.

Lorelai smiled one of her painted-on grins before throwing Rory a warning look as she left the room. And then it was just her and Jess; him with his hands in his pockets, and her leaning against the back of the couch. They smiled awkwardly at each other.

"So," Rory sighed, "how are _you_ doing lately?"

"I'm good," he shrugged. "Nothin' new or exciting, just… normal, everyday life kinda stuff."

"Well, 'normal, everyday life' is severely underrated sometimes," Rory laughed. "Are you, um… still seeing Sylvia?" she asked politely, trying to keep her tone light and hoping he wouldn't notice the way she couldn't look at him when she said it.

"Sylvia?" he repeated, raising his head to look at her. "No," he said, holding her gaze when it snapped up to meet his.

Rory couldn't breathe. "Oh," she choked out in surprise. "I'm sorry," she added, because it seemed like the thing to say.

"Ah, don't be," Jess shrugged, his gaze returning to the spot on the floor he was scuffing at with his shoe. "We only went out a couple times, there's no hard feelings. She's nice, but… sometimes you can be compatible with someone on paper, but there's just no… _chemistry,_ you know?" He looked up at her again seriously, seeming to search her face for something. She could only stare at him, transfixed. She gripped the back of the couch with trembling white fingers… and then Richie began crying from the other room, and the spell was broken. She closed her eyes.

"Sounds like I'd better go," Rory murmured reluctantly.

"Yeah," Jess sighed, smiling tightly. "'A mother's work is never done.' Isn't that how the saying goes?"

"Something like that," Rory chuckled humourlessly. "Thanks for coming over. And thanks for the food. It was… really good to see you."

"It was good seeing you too. And the kid. He's great."

"Thanks," she smiled. "I'm biased, but… I think so too."

"Rory!" Lorelai called, "I think he's hungry!"

"I'll be right there!" Rory answered. She looked at Jess helplessly. "I have to go," she regretted. "Thank you for _everything_," she whispered fervently, gripping his arm and planting a soft kiss on his cheek. "See you later," she smiled, walking down the hall to her child.

"You're welcome," Jess murmured, his eyes following after her even as his feet remained rooted to the floor.

**Thank you for reading. Please tell me what you think!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I think it's about time for some Lane and Rory girl talk, don't you? **

**One more note: I got a review that seemed to take my suggestion of therapy for Rory as an insult. It is not. I am absolutely pro-therapy, and pro-Rory. There's nothing wrong with wanting to talk through your issues with someone, and everything good and healthy. I myself am currently in therapy and have been in the past, to deal with my ADD and depression. I have almost always found it helpful. If you don't agree, that's fine, but this probably won't be the story for you. :-)**

Summer was in full swing. Rory was grateful that Richie had been born before the temperature rose too sharply, because she couldn't imagine being pregnant in this heat. Late pregnancy had been miserable enough as it was!

Richie was growing more and more every day, and Rory was slowly but surely settling into motherhood. As far as jobs went, it certainly wasn't glamorous and it certainly _was_ exhausting, but Rory felt more grounded than she had in a long time. It had come out in her therapy sessions that, as wonderfully close as her relationship with her mother had been, their odd role-reversal had left the younger Gilmore girl floundering once she was out on her own. It had never occurred to her that she'd been holding herself together for the sake of someone else, had been so adultlike in part because _someone_ had to be… but once that motivation was gone, that need no longer felt, she had fallen apart. Rory struggled to make responsible choices when there was no one else to be responsible _for_.

Even before she became a mother in reality, she had always felt more comfortable and confident when she felt like someone needed her, and she sometimes wondered if that was why she had stayed with Logan so long in college. She had been, in a strange unhealthy way, both a lover and a mother to him: scolding and comforting, cajoling and encouraging. It had sometimes been almost more of a parent/child relationship than a partnership of equals. He received this care from her, but he didn't know how to take care of her in return when she couldn't be the strong one. The best he could offer was a sort of drunkenness, a temporary comfort and distraction from her problems that might make her feel better for a moment, but did nothing to fix the problem itself.

When Rory rekindled her relationship with Logan several years ago, their dynamic had changed. He didn't really need caring for (he had Odette for that, after all) and she wasn't in a position to offer it anyway. All they were left with was reenacting the worst part of their relationship during her hiatus from Yale, enabling each other and distracting each other from their responsibilities. Their last night together, as fun as it had been, had only brought home what their entire affair had been: a long and protracted trip to Neverland. She'd been playing house with Logan, her very own Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up, playing Little Mother to her very own Lost Boys, and while that last Wild Night had been like a beautiful dream, dreams are meant to be awoken from. It was time for Wendy to grow up.

Richie made it easier to remember why she needed to, why she couldn't go back, why she didn't really _want_ to go back. And so here she was, holding herself together for someone else again. Only this time, things were in their proper place. He gave her purpose and direction, a reason to be brave and steady. The only trick was, she reminded herself, to keep it in balance and not allow herself to drift into a weird codependency. She'd been worrying about this, but her therapist encouraged her that she could be thankful for the good things she was getting from it as long as she didn't let herself become dependant on her child for her mental stability. Learning to be a healthy, well-adjusted adult was a little like learning to drive, Rory thought… learning not to jerk the wheel to the side of the road when you notice yourself drifting into the other lane, but instead making those constant small adjustments that keep you safely in the middle. It was really hard, honestly, and the urge to jerk the wheel was still strong sometimes. She hoped it would get easier in time, like muscle memory.

Rory mulled over these things one bright summer morning, pushing Richie's stroller down the street towards Lane's house. They were going to have coffee and talk, and Rory was looking forward to it. Having adopted each other as sisters long ago, Lane would settle for no other title than "Auntie" to Rory's son. She loved him fiercely, as only Lane Kim VanGerbig could.

Rory never thought she would be the type of person who would feel comfortable breastfeeding while chatting with another person, but motherhood had a way of bringing a sort of shamelessness upon even the most retiring of people. When you've pushed another human being out of your most intimate parts while other human beings watch, everything else just doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. Richie had fallen asleep immediately after being fed and was currently nestled back in the portable bassinet that came with the stroller (Rory congratulated herself on choosing this particular model. The reams of research and pro/con lists that led to this decision had been conclusive, but it was good to have practical results to back it up). As much as she loved her son, it was _so_ good to have a few moments where she could just be "Rory" for a while, instead of "Richie's mom," talking with her best friend and drinking hot coffee without having to worry about spilling it on a small person.

Lane was in the middle of telling a story when Rory heard her phone ding from her bag. She checked it automatically without much interest, but then lit up when she saw it was a text from Jess.

_This manuscript is killing me by degrees._

She smiled and then tried to refocus on what Lane was saying.

She felt a bit guilty about it, but when her phone pinged again a few moments later, she couldn't help checking to see if it was Jess again. She also couldn't help reading it when it was.

_You had time to do any writing lately? I'd even rather read another chapter about how wonderful Dean was- for free- than get paid to read this dreck._

Rory rolled her eyes and tapped out a quick response.

_I'm sorry… was that supposed to be a compliment? Because if so, you suck at it._

She made another dutiful attempt to give Lane her full attention, but the way her insides were buzzing with anticipation made it rather difficult. _Ding._ She eagerly snatched up her phone.

_Sure it was. Even at its most painful, your writing is leagues ahead of this guy's._

_Well, I'm flattered, but I'm too busy talking to Lane to worry about you right now._

_Tell her hi from me._

"Sorry to interrupt, but are you done? I feel like you haven't heard a word I've said for the past three minutes."

"Oh! I'm _so_ sorry," Rory rushed, squeezing her eyes shut in embarrassment. "Ugh, I'm the worst friend ever! I'm done now, I promise. Turning my phone _off_, see?"

"Who were you talking to, anyway?"

"Oh, um… Jess. He says hi, by the way."

"_Jess?"_ Lane repeated incredulously.

"Yeah," Rory shrugged casually. At least, it would have been casual if the breathy nervousness in her voice hadn't given her away. "He's been helping me with the book."

"Okaaay," Lane nodded dubiously. "So… he's your… editor?"

"Well, not in any official capacity," Rory explained, tucking her hair behind her ear. "He offered to look over my first drafts for me, so I send them to him and he marks them up and sends them back and I get his professional opinion."

"Huh. And you're not paying him for any of that? That's really generous of him... Isn't that, like, his _job_?"

"Yeah, it is really generous of him, isn't it? Oh my G-d, I hadn't thought of it that way before…" Rory looked down guiltily. She was really trying to be less self-centered these days. Had she been taking advantage of Jess's kindness without even realizing she was doing it?

"Hey, I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty about it, ok? I mean, he offered, right? So obviously he doesn't mind doing it… I'm just saying it's really nice of him, that's all."

"It is. It is really nice of him. He was the one who gave me the idea in the first place," Rory smiled wistfully. He always knew exactly what she needed somehow.

Lane was scrutinizing her with narrowed eyes. "What's going on? Why do I feel like there's something you're not telling me?" she asked shrewdly.

Rory sighed. "Because there is. Lane, I haven't been a good best friend lately."

"Oh my G-d!" Lane gasped, staring hard at her. "Are you back together with _Jess_?!"

"No," Rory sighed. "No, but… Lane, you _cannot_ tell anybody this, ok?"

Lane nodded eagerly with wide eyes, settling into a comfortable position and leaning forward in rapt attention. "Of course not! What kind of best friend do you think I _am_? Now _tell_ me, _what is going on_?"

Rory took a deep breath. "Ok. So, about four months ago…" And she launched into the whole story, starting with the day she'd visited Jess in Philly and what Jess had told her, and how it had caused her to rethink everything about their history... her conversation with Lorelai and her devastating realization that she loved Jess only when it was too late… how he always helped her come back to herself… how seeing him be so sweet with Richie only made her fall even more in love with him, and now that Sylvia was out of the picture, what did it all _mean_?

Lane hung on every word, like she was caught up in a suspense thriller, and gasped out, "Oh my G-d. Oh my _G-D!_" at all the appropriate moments.

"So, what happened the rest of that weekend?" she demanded as Rory finished relating the last time she saw Jess in person, when he'd stopped by with Doula to meet baby Richie.

"Nothing," Rory sighed in frustration. "Because I woke up with mastitis the next morning and had to spend the next two days in bed with a fever and Richie permanently attached to my boob."

"Aw, it was _that_ weekend?"

"Yep."

"Man, that _sucks_!" Lane froze as she realized what she'd just said, and cringed. "No pun intended… But wow. _Wow_! Jess is still in love with you after all this time? That is, like, the saddest and most romantic thing I've ever heard in my life."

"I didn't say he was _still_ in love with me. He told me he's moved on, actually."

"He told you that? But, like, _how_ did he tell you he's moved on. What _exactly_ did he say?"

"Well, he said he didn't want things to be awkward, that he wasn't... um, 'gunning for a second chance,' I think was the way he put it… He said he wanted me to know he wasn't expecting anything to change, or expecting anything from me… And, he said that he knows I moved on a long time ago and he's moved on too."

"Mm-hmm, I see…" Lane nodded knowingly. "Uh-huh. And could he look you in the eye while saying any of this?"

Rory thought back. "Um, well, I guess he wasn't. He seemed uncomfortable… but how could he _not_ be? Anyone would feel uncomfortable after a conversation like that, right? It doesn't mean he was _lying_ about it."

"True, but I'm not convinced. What if he's embarrassed about still being hung up on you and didn't want you to feel sorry for him or weird around him or anything?"

"I guess that's _possible_… I mean, I haven't told him what _I've_ been feeling for pretty much the same reason, I guess… But this is all just speculation, Lane! What if there is no 'hidden meaning?' Maybe he really is just completely over it! And I can't be sitting here deciding to believe something just because I really, really want it to be true. Because then what if it's _not_ true? What if I get my hopes up and start expecting there's a chance for us and then he finds another Sylvia that he _does_ have chemistry with? And that would just hurt even _more_ because I'd built up all these _expectations_? Or what if I make a complete fool of myself trying to flirt with him and he just… doesn't _want_ me anymore? And then he'd feel sorry for me and everything would be awkward and then this… this _friendship_ that we've built, this _beautiful_ friendship where we can talk about anything and support each other and laugh together again… it would all be gone. And I can't risk that. I don't want to _lose_ him again, Lane! I _need_ him to be in my _life_, and if this is the only way I can have him, then, well… I'll find a way to be ok with that."

"Ok, ok! You're right, I guess, but... it's not _just_ speculation…"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I _saw_ him at the wedding in November, and every time he thought no one was looking it was like his eyes went straight to you. It was Mr. Darcy-level tortured brooding and I mean Colin Firth intense, not that weaksauce Matthew McFayden."

"Lane…"

"No, I'm serious! I remember because after I noticed the first time, I kept an eye on him just in case he tried anything."

"Lane!"

"Well, I thought you were over him! And it's not like he doesn't have a history of randomly showing up and accosting you without any warning…"

"That was _years_ ago. And _you_ thought it was 'romantic,' remember?"

"Yeah, but _you_ didn't! Anyway, the _point_ is, I was watching him like a hawk. And _he_… was watching _you_."

"Oh. Really?" Rory breathed, and she felt a flutter of hope in her chest, followed by a reaction of panic. She couldn't allow herself to start hoping for anything. People with hopes can be disappointed. "Well, I guess that's... something. But... I don't know, Lane. Even if that _is_ true, that was… before."

"Before? Before what?"

"Before he knew the full extent of what a hot mess I am! Before he knew I was pregnant with Logan's baby, before he knew that I'm apparently the type of person who thinks nothing of hopping into bed with men who are engaged or married to someone else! Before I became an unemployed single mother who is forever tied to a man that he _hates_. Yeah, I'm _such_ a catch."

"You're being too hard on yourself."

"Am I? _Am I_, really? Maybe if I'd been harder on myself a long time ago, this wouldn't have happened. And I feel so awful saying that, because then I wouldn't have Richie, and as much as I regret how it happened, I could _never_ regret him."

"I know. I just think you shouldn't torture yourself so much. You're not doing those things now, and you're in _therapy_, for God's sake! You're doing your best; that's all _any_ of us can do! You've gotta cut yourself some slack."

"I'll take it under advisement. I just… I just don't want to assume I know what Jess is feeling. Even _if_, and that's a _big IF_, Jess was still interested in me in November, it still doesn't necessarily mean he's interested in me now. Everything's so complicated now… I wouldn't blame him if he decided it was all too much for him."

"Well, _I_ would…"

"Lane!"

"I just want you to be happy, you know?"

"I know."

"And Jess… he's actually turned out to be a pretty good guy."

"He has, hasn't he?"

"Who woulda thought? I mean, he was actually starting to grow on me towards the end of your relationship. It was like you guys finally hit your stride and you were really _cute_ together. And Dave really liked him and I thought I was beginning to understand why _you_ liked him so much… But then everything just sort of _imploded _suddenly, and then it was all over and he was just… _gone_."

"Yeah. He said he felt like a failure and he thought I'd be better off without him."

Lane considered this for a moment, nodding soberly, then shot Rory a tentative glance.

"That sounds like suicidal ideation, honestly. It was a _social_ suicide."

"You know, I think that's a really good description of what it was. And as much as it hurt when he left, when I think about it that way, about what was going through his head at the time, I just… Thank God he only ran away instead of actually killing himself. I don't even want to think about it, Lane."

"Ugh! No! Of course! But it was like, even after he removed himself from the picture, he was still in _love_ with you. For _years_! And then became this really awesome guy all because of _you_…"

"It wasn't because of _me_. He did that all himself."

"I'm sorry, did he or did he _not_ say, 'I couldn't have done it without you' when he showed you his book?"

"Ok, fine, yes, he did say that, but…"

Lane waved her hand dismissively. "But anyway, my point is, you inspired him to be a better person. And then he inspired _you_ to be a better person! And he came back, still in love with you, but he was too late, and now he's _still_ inspiring you, but circumstances are just… Aw man! The whole thing is just… tragic! It's like, you guys were never ready at the same time. Like… star-crossed lovers, separated by fate... Romeo and Juliet, Rory and Jess!"

"Gee, thanks Lane. You're really helping me feel better about this," Rory muttered, glaring at her friend.

"Oh G-d, I'm sorry! Well. I'm not giving up yet. I see him around sometimes when he comes to visit his family. He's been coming a lot more frequently this year, actually…"

"He has?"

"Oh, yeah. You wouldn't know, of course, because you were traveling so much, but he didn't used to visit _this_ often… Anyway though, next time he's in town do you want me to kind of subtly try to gauge his interest and report back to you? Because I would be happy to do that for you."

Rory immediately had a very vivid mental picture of how _that_ would go, and the mere idea of it made her face pale with horror. "Lane," she smiled weakly, "I love you... but you're about as 'subtle' as the McCarthy Hearings."

"So, that's a 'no'?"

Rory laughed. "Yes, Lane! That's a no! But thanks for offering."

"Any time. Well, for what it's worth, I really hope it works out for you guys."

"Thanks."

"I mean it! I know I wasn't totally on board the first time around, but I think you two could actually be really great together now. Aw, and how romantic would that be? Finding each other again after all these years? I totally ship it."

"Well... thanks Lane. I appreciate your support, I _really_ do, but… do you think you could tone it down a little for now? Remember me not wanting to get my hopes up? Because I think this counts as getting my hopes up."

"Right. So. Changing the subject… did I tell you the boys wanted a pool party for their birthday?"

"No!"

"Yes. Except their birthday is in _March._ And who wants to go swimming in _March_?"

"Gross."

"I know, right? It's all cold and… bleh." Lane shuddered. "But anyway, Zach and I told them that if we just had a small family dinner for their actual birthday, they could invite all their friends to a pool party this summer, after school was out."

"And school is out, Mrs. VanGerbig."

"It is. The day of reckoning is upon us, and… the party is next week."

"Well. You have fun with that."

"You have to come with me."

"Um..."

"No, you have to! I need you! You're the boys' godmother, and I'm sure it would mean a lot to them if you came."

"It would, huh?"

"I'm sure it would! And it would really, _really_ mean a lot to _me_."

"I don't know, Lane… I'm not really the Annette Funicello type…"

"And you think _I_ am? I hate pool parties! And beyond that, do you know what else I hate? Making polite conversation with all those other moms about how expensive little Susie's dance lessons are, or Karen's latest juice cleanse, or why haven't I come to one of Tiffany's Pampered Chef parties yet, and the latest styles in overpriced leggings! Elementary School moms are no joke, Rory. It's like highschool all over again, only with more Botox involved."

"That does sound brutal, I have to admit. So you want me to stand by you?"

"Please! Zach will be busy corralling the kids and actually getting in the pool, which is a sacrifice all its own and one for which I am truly grateful, but that leaves me to be the 'hostess,' and it would really, truly mean a lot to me if I didn't have to do that alone. And if I knew there would be at least _one_ other person there who remembers David Bowie as more than just Jareth, the Goblin King…"

"Not that 'Labyrinth' isn't a classic…"

"Oh, totally! And the gateway drug to many a millennial's appreciation of Bowie… But you know what I mean."

Rory smiled. "Ok. As an expression of my great love for you, and in honor of your many years of loyal and faithful friendship, I _promise_ I will come to this pool party with you."

Lane squealed and launched herself at her friend. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Rory laughed and returned her hug tightly. "Solidarity, sister! I'll bring Richie, too. He's finally started to tolerate baths without screaming, so maybe I'll see what he thinks of the pool."

"Oh, definitely bring him! I always look forward to more chances to snuggle my nephew. G-d, I miss that baby smell."

"I assume you mean the _clean_ baby smell…"

"Oh, naturally. I just want to sniff the top of his head a little, and I don't _care_ how weird that sounds."

"Hey, there may have been a time when I would have thought that sounded a little serial killer-y, but that time has passed. I totally understand. Oh! And wait 'til you see the adorable little sun hat I got for him. Why are tiny clothes automatically adorable?"

"I don't know, but they definitely are."

* * *

Later that night after Richie was in bed, Rory was thinking over something Lane had said and, determined to put things right, grabbed her phone to send a text to Jess.

_Hey, I want to talk to you about something. Can I call you?_

Less than two minutes later, her phone rang and she grinned at seeing Jess's name flashing across the screen.

"Hey!"

"Hey, Rory," he answered, and she could _hear_ the smile in his voice. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, actually, I wanted to talk about what you're already doing for me. Because you've been so generous with your time and your professional guidance, and I don't think it's right for me to ask you to provide me with all that without compensation. I don't know if I have the money to pay you back for everything now, but if you tell me your rate, maybe we can come up with a plan for me to pay you back in installments."

"Rory…"

"And honestly, I probably can't afford to pay you for any more than what you've already done, so I won't bother you with this anymore, Jess. I'm eternally grateful, but I know you have your own business to run and your own life to live, and you don't need me taking up your valuable free time with my projects. So, thank you for everything, and I guess I'll take it from here!"

Silence.

"Jess? Hello?"

She heard him clear his throat after a moment.

"Uh, yeah. I'm here. I, uh... is this about that text I sent you this morning? 'Cause I actually _did_ mean it as a compliment, I was just teasing you about the Dean thing… Though I guess I can see how that might've been kind of an a**hole thing to say, so I'm sorry if I overstepped…"

"What? No! Jess, I'm not trying to _punish_ you!"

"Huh. Ok… 'cause it kinda feels like you decided to officially hire me just so you'd be able to officially _fire_ me."

"No! No no no! Jess, I _like_ working with you. I didn't care about what you said about Dean. Well, I mean, it _was_ kind of an a**hole thing to say, but that's kind of our schtick, right? The whole playful insults thing?"

"Right, I mean, _I_ thought so… You had me worried there for a second, though."

Rory sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm handling this all wrong. It's just... I was with Lane when you messaged me earlier, as you know, and I told her about how you've been helping me with my book. And she said it was really generous of you to do all that when I'm not paying you for it, since it's your job to do that kind of thing. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I'd never really thought about it that way before. I mean, I should _know_ that, but I guess I was so caught up in the excitement of sharing my ideas with you that I just didn't _think_ about how much of your time I was asking, and-"

"Rory," Jess interrupted gently. "You didn't ask. I offered. It's _ok._"

"But… Jess, this is how you make your _living_! I'm taking time away from your _career_, I'm... snatching the bread from your lips!"

Jess burst out laughing. "What is this? _Les Miserables_?" he asked incredulously. "Rory, _I'm fine_. What I choose to do with my free time is my decision."

"Well, of course it is, but aren't there other things you'd rather do with your time? You do this stuff _all day_ at work, and-"

"I _wish_ I got to read writing like yours all day at work," he interrupted. "Remember this morning? And that's not even counting all the other crap involved in running a business that I really wish I didn't have to do. It's honestly no big deal, Rory."

"Well, at least let me pay you for it. What are your rates? Come on, treat me like any other client!"

He seemed almost upset. "I don't _WANT_ to tr-" he halted abruptly and took a deep breath. "I don't want your money, Gilmore," he finished more calmly.

"But _why_?" Rory asked desperately. "Why are you _doing_ all this for me? I'm your _ex-girlfriend._ And yeah, you hurt me, but I hurt you too and we talked it out, we let it go! You don't _owe_ me anything, Jess!"

"So, what, you don't want to be friends anymore? We're just 'exes' again now?"

"No! Of _course_ I want to be friends; you could _never_ be just an ex to me!"

"Well, then _let me be a friend_ to you. You know you'd do the same thing for me."

"Of _course_ I would, you _know_ I would."

"So what's the big deal?"

Rory sighed. "I don't know. It's just, you've done _so much_ for me lately, and what've _I_ done? _Nothing_. It's not fair, and I should be pulling my weight more."

"Do you keep _balance sheets_ for all your other friendships? Come on, Rory, you know that's not how this works."

"But I hate feeling like you're not getting anything out of this."

"Who says I'm not getting anything out of it? You're supplying me with new reading material, which is never a bad thing, and besides that, I… I dunno... I've been enjoying getting to know you better, getting to read about your life, your thoughts, who you are... And you know, I've spent so much of my life feeling like a worthless piece of sh**, it's kinda nice to feel like I have something to offer for a change. Don't insult me by turning this into a business arrangement, ok? I don't… I don't _want_ this to be a business arrangement."

Rory sighed again. "Ok, fine. But you know if you ever need _anything_, anything at all?"

"I'll let you know."

"Promise?"

He chuckled. "I promise."

"Thank you. Sorry for freaking out on you like that. And thanks for putting up with all my craziness… You know, my therapist says I have some anxiety issues."

"Well, I'm shocked," Jess deadpanned.

"Hey!"

"ADHD and some PTSD for me. Fun times."

"Oh, wow. So I guess we're both a little crazy, huh?"

"Everybody's got issues, Rory. It's ok. 'The world breaks everyone. And afterward, some are-'"

"Don't you quote Hemingway at me!" she interrupted, smiling.

Jess burst out laughing. "So, Rory," he said slyly, "how does it feel now that your beloved Ayn Rand is the poster girl for fascists everywhere?"

"Oh G-d," Rory groaned.

"I mean, she's so _popular_ now! Don't you love it?"

"Stop!"

"Are you just _thrilled_? Should I get you a MAGA hat for your birthday?"

"Ugh, I hate you!"

"Well, _that_ friendship didn't last long."

"No, it didn't. Too bad. But judging by _your_ literary preferences, you're apparently an alcoholic misogynist anyway, and I just don't have space for men like that in my life."

"Oh-ho!" Jess laughed. "Touché, Ms. Gilmore! So, just checking, but… we're good, right? No irreparable damage? No lines unforgivably crossed?"

"Well, you were treading perilously close with that MAGA comment, but I suppose I can let you off with a verbal warning _this_ time."

"Maybe we should come up with a _safe word_…"

"Ooh, good idea! How about, um… pumpernickel?"

"_Pumpernickel_, are you _serious_?"

"It was the first thing that came to mind! I had a Reuben for lunch today," she said defensively.

"Well, it _is_ a word I wouldn't be likely to use in daily conversation… G-d, I hate rye bread…"

"I know, I remember," Rory said fondly. "So, now that _that's_ settled… What have you been reading lately, _besides_ Rory Gilmore?"

Two hours later, Rory tiptoed into her bedroom, gave her sleeping son a kiss, and went to bed with a smile on her lips.

**Thank you for reading. I would LOVE to know what your thoughts are! Even constructive criticism is welcome. Emphasis on "constructive." (Hint: outright insults and attacks on my character and intelligence are NOT constructive! If you want to hate-read my story, go ahead, but please keep it to yourself or rant about it to your friends instead!)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A.N. This is part one of two, as I was informed that the combined chapter I originally intended was just too dang long! So look out for the next chapter much much sooner than usual! In the meantime, THIS chapter... does not contain any of the deep soul-searching you may have come to expect from this story. It's... almost a bit shallow, actually, and maybe not even very original... But I simply HAD to do it! I HAD to! I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it...**

**Endless gratitude for all your wonderful reviews, those who favorited and subscribed, and to my fantastic betas, PrincessAndula and siss7!**

"Rory!" Lorelai called through the door of the changing room. "Are you ready to come out yet? We wanna see!"

"In a minute!" Rory yelled back, frowning at her reflection and tugging awkwardly at the edges of the swimsuit she was trying on. Swimsuit shopping wasn't exactly fun at the best of times, but at two months postpartum it was frankly depressing. Rory sighed and then opened the door glumly, stepping out to face her mother, who was holding Richie. "Well?" she asked dully.

Lorelai cocked her head to one side. "Turn," she commanded. Rory turned. "Ehhhhh, nope," Lorelai said. "I don't like it."

"Yeah, me neither," Rory grumbled, shutting herself in the stall again and peeling the suit off. She'd always been thin, and she supposed she ought to be grateful for that, but she couldn't help feeling self-conscious about this new version of her body. She'd always felt a little hippy, but they were even wider now. And her stomach, oh that was the best part. She'd never been _particularly_ toned (having the aversion to exercise that she did), but now… she thought her belly mostly resembled a pale, flabby lump of dough, striped with faintly purple stretch marks. It was fairly safe to say that her bikini days were over. Not that she'd ever been much of a bikini girl to begin with, but at least she'd had the option…

"We just need to find one that has _eeeeverything_ we need," Lorelai was saying, her voice taking on that high-pitched, chirpy tone that indicated that she was talking to Richie. "Something flattering for Mommy, and something with easy access to the ta-tas for _you_!"

Ah, yes, perhaps the _one_ silver lining in all this: she actually had boobs now, so that was something. And they were no longer just for show, so no high-necked halter tops this time.

Rory shimmied into another option, turning this way and that to observe the effect. "Maybe this one!" she called. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Ooh, that _is_ better!" Lorelai said. "The color's better on you, and it highlights the _fabulous_ new rack you've got goin' on right now…"

Rory sighed. "Yeah, I guess. It's not perfect, but I think it's the best I can do right now."

"Aw, sweetie. It'll get better. Remember, it took nine months for your body to reach maximum balloonage; it'll probably take just as long to shrink back."

"That's true."

"And besides, there's not gonna be anyone at this party you'll want to impress, is there? It's just Stars Hollow, it's not like it's in _Philly_ or anything…""

Shut up," Rory muttered, glaring at her mother as she shut the door again.

* * *

"Rory. Don't look now, but Jess just walked in."

Rory immediately whipped her head around. "What?!"

"I said _don't_ look now!" Lane hissed.

"I know! I'm sorry! I couldn't help it!"

There was Jess at the entrance, in a t-shirt and shorts (had Rory _ever_ seen him wear shorts before?), glaring at everyone and everything with an expression that could only be described as "thunderous." His little sister skipped ahead of him, looking considerably happier to be there.

Lane broke the silence. "I guess he's here with Doula. Against his will, by the looks of it... He looks _mad_."

"He _does_ look mad." Rory bit her lip. "Is it bad that I think he looks even hotter than usual like this?"

"No, no... I see it. It's a good look for him. I think it's the lip-curl thing."

"Yeah..." Rory nodded absently, "yeah, that's definitely a factor."

"And the whole intense, broody glare thing. Like he could just melt you with his gaze... and the fact that he has good eyebrows helps."

"Yeah," she agreed distractedly, eyes still drinking him in. She was glad to be wearing sunglasses, but when his gaze landed on hers and his eyebrows raised in recognition, she still felt like she'd been caught. She frantically whispered to Lane, "Dammit, here he comes! Shh!"

Rory hadn't felt so much like a teenager in years, and she flushed with embarrassment and irritation. _Pull it together, jeez! You are a mature and rational grown-up woman, for God's sake!_

Doula reached them first, waving cheerfully. "Hi, Rory! Hi, Mrs. VanGerbig! Oh, and Richie oh my gosh he's so cute!" she gushed. "I have presents," she announced, holding up two colorful gift bags. "Where should I put 'em?"

"Hey, thanks! They go over on that picnic table over there," Lane pointed. "I'm so glad you could come!" She smiled at Doula and then at Jess, who nodded in acknowledgement.

Jess tapped his sister's arm. "You wanna get set up before you take those over there?" he asked, dumping towels and other swimming paraphernalia onto the chair next to Rory.

"Um, yeah," Doula decided, and Rory watched, transfixed, as Jess oversaw the process and made sure she remembered sunscreen before she scampered off. It was the spray-can variety, and both siblings wrinkled their noses identically as Jess applied it to the center of her back while Doula held her ponytail out of the way. When she finally ran off, Jess collapsed down onto the lounge chair and put his head in his hands, grabbing fistfuls of his hair.

Rory and Lane exchanged a wary glance, but after a moment, he turned his head to look at them and grimaced apologetically. "Hey," he greeted them sheepishly.

Rory smiled at him fondly, pushing her sunglasses up on top of her head. "Hey yourself," she responded. "What are _you_ doing here? I didn't know you'd be in town this weekend."

His face darkened. "Yeah, well, neither did I. Until Liz called me at about 8 pm last night and told me they'd double-booked. She'd promised Doula she could go to this party. And then yesterday Liz remembered that they were already booked for a Ren faire this weekend and she'd totally forgotten about it. They couldn't skip that, 'cause it's money, and Doula was completely heartbroken that she couldn't come, 'cause she hardly ever gets invited to _anything -_ thank you, Danes social-awkwardness gene - and Luke is camping with April this weekend and…" Jess heaved an enormous, frustrated sigh. "Well, here I am."

"Aw, man!" Rory sympathized.

Jess shook his head angrily, staring darkly at the ground. "I had to drive down last night so Liz and TJ could leave at the a**-crack of dawn to get their tent set up before the faire opened. I didn't get in 'til after midnight. So, I'm sorry we were late, Lane. I had to go out and_ buy_ swim trunks this morning, because no way in_ hell_ was I gonna wear TJ's."

"Don't worry about it," Lane said. "We're just glad she could make it. And you're welcome to join us, too."

"Lane will be thrilled to have one more person here who would rather not discuss juice cleanses and Lularoe." Rory leaned over conspiratorially. "That's why _I'm_ here."

"Lula-_what_?"

"Exactly," said Lane.

Jess's eyebrows rose in amusement. "Ok, well… Have either of you listened to Bob Dylan's Nobel Prize lecture yet?"

"I mean, I heard that lady read it at the ceremony when he didn't show up, who was she again?"

"She's the U.S. Ambassador to Sweden," Rory answered.

"Oh, right! So, yeah, it was a cool speech. And Patti Smith singing 'A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall'? Oh my G-d. Chills, man."

Jess nodded. "Yeah, it was amazing. That's not what I'm talking about, though."

"No? What are _you_ talking about?" Rory frowned.

"He also had to give a six-minute lecture in person before he could collect the award. They recorded it recently."

"Oh my G-d, that's right! I can't believe I forgot about that!"

"Well, keep up, Rory, jeez!" he teased, lip curled in mock disdain. "It's not like you've had anything _else_ to think about..." He nodded at Richie, who was asleep on Rory's chest. The uncertain new experience of the swimming pool and being snuggled under a towel in the warm sun had made him very sleepy.

"Alright, fine." Rory smiled. "So you've listened to it, then?"

Jess nodded, and his eyes were shining with enthusiasm. "Yeah. I kinda stumbled across it accidentally on YouTube the other day, and as soon as I heard it, I thought, Oh my G-d, Rory would _love_ this…" He stopped abruptly and looked down, clamping his mouth shut. "And, uh… Lane." He smiled at her, gesturing in her direction. "Both of you would really like it."

Lane studied him appraisingly, and then smiled. "Thanks Jess. I'll check that out sometime."

"What did he talk about?" Rory asked.

"Ah, he talked about seeing Buddy Holly perform for the first time and how it was this electrifying experience that changed his life… about the impact of literature on his life and work, and he analyzed three of his favorite books: Moby Dick, All Quiet on the Western Front, and uh…" Jess looked up, trying to jog his memory. "Oh, and the Odyssey. It was… _really_ interesting."

"That sounds _amazing_!" Rory gushed excitedly. "I'll have to look that up!"

"I'll send you the link, so you don't have to go searching for it."

"Thank you!"

"You know, Jess," said Lane, nodding in approval, "I'm sorry you had to drive all the way up here, but… I must say I'm actually really glad you're here."

Rory felt like her heart would burst from happiness as she beamed at both of her friends in turn. This was good, this was wonderful! Two of her favorite people, getting along! She could imagine them all hanging out together, the conversations they would have...

Jess laughed. "Wow, those Stars Hollow Elementary moms must be really bad."

Rory scowled at him. "Will you stop it?" she fumed. "Why can't you ever just accept it when people say nice things to you? If I didn't have a baby sleeping on me, I would hit you right now!"

"I don't handle compliments well. Sorry."

"Clearly! Just say, 'Thank you, Lane,' and get over it!"

"Alright, alright. Thank you, Lane," he intoned dutifully.

"You're welcome. And I mean that. This has been fun! You know, we should all hang out together sometime, whenever you're in town. Me and Zach... and you and Rory…" she trailed off, noticing the wide-eyed death glare Rory was shooting at her. "Or, you know, whatever," she finished awkwardly.

Jess seemed a bit taken aback. "Um, sure, ok," he nodded. "Yeah, that would be cool."

Rory sighed happily. Richie began to stir, turning his head and scrubbing at his face with a pudgy fist.

"Hey there, sleepyhead!" she crooned softly. "Look who's here! It's Jess!"

"Hey, buddy," Jess smiled. "Man, he's so much bigger than the last time I saw him."

Rory sighed. "Tell me about it. He's changing so quickly and I'm not sure if I like it."

"Can I hold him?" Lane asked. "Come over here to your Auntie Lane, sweet boy!"

Grateful for the chance to change positions, Rory stretched her arms and legs out as far as they would go and leaned over to dig her water bottle out of her bag.

"So, are you going to be in town all weekend, then?" she asked Jess, as she rummaged through the depths of the enormous diaper bag. She found the bottle, sat up, and threw her head back for a long drink. Jess still hadn't answered. She looked at him questioningly and found his gaze wandering down her body in apparent fascination. Her heart stopped. Was he actually checking her out? Or was it more like_ train-wreck_ fascination? Rory wasn't sure. "Jess?" she prompted. His eyes shot up to meet hers guiltily.

"Sorry, what was the question?"

She narrowed her eyes. "I asked if you were going to be in town all weekend," she repeated slowly. And suddenly feeling bold, she slyly added, "And my eyes are up here, Jess."

He cringed and hid his face in his hands. "I'm sorry," he groaned. "I'm so sorry. I've never seen you in a swimsuit before and it's just… a lot to take in. Which is not an excuse, obviously, but, uh…"

"Jess, relax!" she laughed. "I get what you mean. It's a little jarring. I mean, I don't think I've _ever_ seen you wear shorts before."

"Yeah, that's because I generally don't. I just bought these this morning."

"Right. But I mean, it's weird when you're used to seeing someone fully clothed and then you suddenly see them wearing… not much clothing," Rory rambled. _That sounded a lot less awkward in my head._

One of Jess's eyebrows rose in a wicked arch. "Right," he nodded, watching her carefully.

Rory struggled with herself internally. _Don't ask. Don't ask. Don't ask. Don't-_ "So," she asked, "is the reality everything you dreamed it would be?" She smirked at him mockingly, but under her mask of confidence a little voice in her head was screaming derisively, _well, of COURSE it isn't! You're not exactly the nubile teenager you were when he dated you!_

Jess's other eyebrow rose to join the first one and he blinked at her rapidly. "Uh…" She could see his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed hard. He looked away, barking out a little laugh of disbelief, before looking her right in the eye appraisingly. "You look good, Gilmore, if that's what you're asking. You always do."

Her heart turned over. He _was _checking her out. "Well," she said, hiding her nerves behind sarcasm, "I'm _so_ glad you approve. It's _such_ a relief to know I've fulfilled my purpose as a woman, as an object of pleasure for the male gaze."

Jess rolled his eyes and grimaced. "Thanks for the bait and switch," he muttered wryly. "I can't tell if I've offended you or not, since I _already_ apologized and you were all, 'relax, Jess, I totally understand,' just a minute ago…" He was looking down at his hands now.

Rory felt sheepish and frustrated with herself. She'd never been good at flirting, and she wasn't even supposed to be _trying_ to flirt with him anyway. "No, you're right, I'm sorry," she sighed. "I guess you're not the only one who doesn't handle compliments well," she admitted, smiling at him apologetically.

He smiled back. After a moment he looked away again and took a deep breath. "Well, _anyway_, to answer your _first_ question… Yes. I'll here all weekend. The faire runs through Sunday, so Liz and TJ won't be back until tomorrow night."

"Oh okay. Well, you and Doula should stop by the house sometime before you leave. It'd be nice to hang out some more, and Richie's always a sure bet if you're looking for ways to keep Doula entertained…"

"Ok, thanks," Jess nodded.

Lane had been getting a distinct "third wheel" vibe for the past few minutes, but the fact that Rory and Jess seemed to have forgotten her existence wasn't bothering her right now. She had been quietly observing their entire exchange with interest the whole time, and everything she'd seen was certainly intriguing. She buried her nose in Richie's soft fuzzy hair and inhaled blissfully, smiling to herself.

"Jess!" came Doula's voice from the water. "Come in the pool with me!"

Jess looked over at his little sister with a pained expression on his face. "Uh… no thanks."

"Aw, please?" she begged.

He shook his head. "Nah, I don't really…"

"Oh, come on!" Doula whined. "Just for a little bit? Pleeeeeease?"

Jess sighed and threw his head back in exasperation. "Ok, _fine_!"

"Yay!" She bobbed up and down in excitement.

"But only for a couple minutes. And no splashing me in the face, you got that?"

"Got it!"

"And just this _once_, ok? This is your _one chance_, 'cause I'm not gettin' back in again later, alright?"

"Ok," Doula reluctantly acknowledged.

"_And_ I get to pick the movie tonight. That's my final offer."

"Aw, but you'll pick something boring!"

"_Excuse me_, but my movie choices are not _boring_. Someone has to make sure you're properly educated, and I'm not getting in that pool with you _and_ marathoning _'Equestria Girls'_ all in one day. Do you accept my terms?"

"Fine," she sighed. "Now are you coming in?"

"Just hang on a second. Hey, Lane?" Jess asked in a low voice, leaning forward to look around Rory, "You didn't invite Miss Patty to this little shindig, did you?"

Lane raised one eyebrow. "Um, _no_, Jess. I didn't… Why do you ask?"

He exhaled in relief. "Well, it's just that I prefer not to wear fewer than three layers of clothing around that woman, and if I'm going to be getting in the pool…"

"Ah," Lane grinned in understanding, trading an amused glance with Rory, who was _also_ grinning. "No, I think you're safe. From _her_, anyway…"

"Aw, poor Jess," Rory teased. "Are you in the running for husband number six?"

"I'm glad you think this is _funny_, Gilmore," Jess growled, glaring at her. "That woman should be sued for sexual harassment."

It probably would have been nicer to back off, but Miss Patty made too convenient a scapegoat for Rory's own lust, and she just couldn't resist such an opportunity to tease him and be able to blame someone else for it.

"Now, Jess, you can't expect a woman of her… _appetites-"_

"Oh jeez," Jess groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

"-to be able to _control_ herself around such a… a _specimen_ of manhood as yourself!" Jess raised one eyebrow at her. "It goes against _nature!_ I mean, what do you expect? You're practically _asking for it_."

"_Really_ appreciate the double standard, Rory," Jess deadpanned, narrowing his eyes.

"Walking around in front of her, looking the way you do…"

"_Looking the way I do_, huh?" he drawled, getting to his feet and looking her straight in the eye.

"_Well_, I mean…" She gestured at his body like Vanna White revealing a new vowel.

"You mean… _what_, exactly?" he smirked, toeing off his sandals.

"I _mean_, you practically have _'cougar bait'_ written all over you…" she teased, grinning up at him.

"Yeah, whatever," he said, and then he was pulling his shirt up and over his head in one smooth motion and Rory felt like the wind had been completely knocked out of her.

Oh my. Well. That was _one_ way to shut her up…

"And, Rory…" he stage-whispered, "_my eyes are up here_."

Red-faced, she lifted her gaze just in time to see his wicked smirk a moment before he threw his balled up t-shirt _in her face_ and turned to walk away.

Rory had caught the shirt reflexively and now she sat there clutching it (oh G-d, it _smelled_ like him), frozen in place, her wide eyes following him all the way into the pool where he joined Doula.

There was a long, stunned silence, and then Lane finally spoke in a low voice, "Oh my _G-d._ Are you _okay_?"

"Uh-huh," Rory squeaked, still paralyzed by what had just happened.

"It's probably a good thing I'm the one holding Richie right now, otherwise you might have dropped him…"

"Hey!" Rory frowned indignantly, taking her son back from Lane and snuggling him close in her arms.

"But seriously, though… wow."

"Yeah," Rory said weakly. "I think_ wow_ about covers it…"

"So, I guess Jess has grown up... in _more_ ways than one."

"Uh-huh!"

"Because he did _not_ look like this in highschool."

"Nope."

"I mean, don't get me wrong. He was cute in highschool, but…"

"Yeah."

"And not that it should be surprising that he looks different. I mean… do _any_ of us still look the way we did in highschool?"

"Nope."

"I mean, Zach and I definitely don't. Can you believe we're in our _thirties_ now? Wow."

"Yeah, wow."

Lane observed Rory in amusement. "Somehow I don't think your _wow_ is referring to the same thing as my _wow_," she said.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" Rory asked, finally tearing her eyes away from Jess, who was now not only shirtless, but also wet.

Lane laughed. "Oh, nevermind."

Rory huffed in frustration. "This is ridiculous," she muttered. "It's not as though I've never seen a naked man before!"

"Though you've never seen a naked _Jess_ before…" Lane pointed out helpfully.

"Well, that's true… but he's not even _naked_! He's just… _half_ naked. Big deal!"

Lane looked at Rory incredulously. "I mean, it's a _little_ bit of a big deal! Do you think _most_ men look like that with their shirts off?!"

"No," Rory admitted sulkily. "They don't."

"Why are you freaking out about noticing that Jess is hot? I'd bet about 9 out of 10 of the other moms at this party are checking him out too, and _they're_ not even in love with him."

"_Say that a little louder, Lane, why don't you?_" Rory hissed furiously, throwing a panicked look at Jess, who was thankfully focused on talking to Zach, Doula perched on his shoulders with a beach ball. He shook his wet hair out of his face and Rory's stomach clenched involuntarily.

"I'm just saying... nobody, and I mean _nobody_, is going to blame you for being distracted by… _that_. And you're trying to insist that nothing less than the full monty should impress you?"

Rory blushed furiously. "Ok, fine," she sighed. "It's just a little hard to deal with! I feel like a freakin' _teenager_, and I'm trying _so hard_ to play it cool and be ok with the whole 'just friends' thing, and _there he is_, taking his clothes off right in front of me!" she complained.

"Ahhhh, I think I get it now," Lane nodded. "So we have to pretend it's no big deal so you can keep it together?"

"Yes! Exactly."

"Well, ok... Though I'm _still_ not convinced he's completely sold on the 'just friends' thing either…"

"Lane, we discussed this!" Rory said sternly (and a little desperately).

Lane sighed. "I know. So… you want to help me get the food all set up?"

"Yes! Perfect. Let's go."

A few minutes later and they were done, and Rory thought she might as well see if she could get Richie to eat before the cake and presents happened. She handed Richie off to Lane and went to dig through the diaper bag looking for her nursing cover. She didn't use it often, but she had bought it just for situations like this. It had a strap to go around her neck to keep Richie from yanking it off, so she could avoid flashing an entire party of children, judgemental moms, and… Jess. Unfortunately, she couldn't seem to find it anywhere. _Oh no,_ she thought in a panic. _No, no, no!_

Rory dug through the bag once again, taking everything out. "No! I was sure I packed it! I'm always prepared for these things! I _over-prepare_! Why is _this_ the one time I forgot it?!" she wailed.

Rory frantically grabbed her phone and texted her mother.

_I forgot my nursing cover! Can you please please bring it to me?_

After an anxious minute, she got a reply: _Can't you just use a beach towel?_

Rory huffed impatiently. _No. Jess is here with Doula_

_Oh! Well maybe flashing him a little nip will get you what you want?_

Lane came by just in time to hear Rory's horrified gasp, and Rory showed her the phone. Lane winced sympathetically. "Ooh. Creative emoji use, there."

_MOM! PLEASE!_

_ok ok. Will come in a few minutes_

_THANK YOU! It should be in the living room or my bedroom._

Sighing with relief, Rory put away her phone and turned to Lane. "Mom's bringing it. I just have to keep Richie distracted for a few minutes."

"Good luck," Lane nodded solemnly, and transferred the baby back into his mother's waiting arms.

Rory huffed again, shaking her head. "I should have just brought bottles. Why didn't I do that?"

"Um, because then you'd have to _wash_ the bottles, and also because you were freaking out about the milk going bad in this heat? Oh, and _also_ because you know he won't _take_ the bottle when you've got the real thing right there, and..."

"Fine," Rory sighed. "Be rational, why don't you?"

Lane smirked. "I try."

Rory walked over to the fence line and paced back and forth with Richie. She felt restless and agitated. She was trying not to look at the pool. "Just a few more minutes, baby," she murmured to Richie, stroking his soft skin and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Lola is coming, and then you can eat!" He burbled uncertainly and tried to stuff his fist into his mouth. Rory sighed anxiously. "I know, baby, I know. You _are_ a Gilmore, after all, and we're always hungry, aren't we?"

She pointed at squirrels. She pointed at birds. She bounced him on her hip and avoided looking at the pool. Then there was a shriek, a splash, and the sound of Jess laughing loudly, and she turned around. Doula had just come up sputtering and laughing, and as far as Rory could guess, Jess had thrown her in. G-d, he was beautiful when he laughed… and it wasn't something she got to see very often. Jess's triumph seemed short-lived, however, as he was now being swarmed by a whole group of eager kids, who were clamoring for him to throw _them_ in next. Zach seemed more than happy to let someone else be the focus of the chaos for once, and Rory grinned in delight as Jess scowled in annoyance and then reluctantly let Kwan climb up on his shoulders. He was so much like Luke sometimes.

"Enjoying the view?" came Lorelai's sudden voice behind her, and Rory squeezed her eyes shut in equal parts relief and annoyance.

"Finally! You're here," she exclaimed, ignoring the question. "You brought it?"

"Yes, I brought it. Here you go," Lorelai said, handing Rory the precious bundle of fabric. "It was stuffed between the couch cushions."

"Thank you!" Rory gushed, hugging her mother impulsively and walking briskly back to her lounge chair with Richie, who had recognized the cover and was now beginning to fuss and pull at Rory's swimsuit impatiently, sensing that his lunch was near. Lorelai followed behind, surveying the scene with interest.

"Well, _that's_ interesting," she mused, watching Jess throw another kid off his shoulders, to the raucous cheers of the rest of the group. "I never really pictured Jess as being popular with the kiddies."

"Well, _you_ never pictured Jess as being popular with _anyone_, so that shows what _you_ know," Rory replied loftily, busying herself with arranging her cover-up and helping Richie start nursing. She didn't feel the need to mention that _she_ had been surprised by it too, but in a way that made her heart grow warm. "Besides, he's a Danes, right? All prickly on the outside, all soft and gooey on the inside. Remember when Luke sponsored that girl's soccer team?"

Lorelai giggled. "Oh yeah! He was adorable. Who woulda thunk it? Gruff ol' Mr. Jam-hands and a bunch of little girls!"

Rory smiled too, then grew a little sad that her mom and Luke had let years of fear and miscommunication rob them of the chance to have children of their own.

"Speaking of taking after his uncle, though, Jess sure has filled out, hasn't he?"

"Mom! Ew!" Rory protested.

"Just sayin'," Lorelai shrugged lightly. "But that's… more than just maturity. It looks like he's put a lot of work into it, too, if you know what I mean…"

"_Mom_. Stop!"

"Do you have any idea how that happened? I mean, he's never really been the athletic type… Our _one_ civil conversation when he was a kid mostly revolved around how much he hated sports. And he seems to have made a career out of the whole sedentary reading-and-writing thing, so that doesn't seem to have changed much…"

"It's none of your business! For God's sake, stop staring!"

"Ugh, it's going to bug me now!" Lorelai whined. "Is he lifting really heavy boxes of books back in the warehouse or something? Or _maybe_, from what I'm looking at right now, he makes a hobby of bench-pressing small children? Although _that_ sounds more than a little disturbing, now that I've said it..."

"Oh, my G-d," Rory muttered in despair.

"Hey!" said Lane, coming over to check on them. "It looks like you've got everything you need, now… I think we're going to start the eating part soon."

"Ok, great!" Rory smiled, grateful for the interruption. It didn't last long.

"Thanks, Lane," Lorelai chimed in. "Hey, are there going to be drinks involved, too? Because I think Rory here's getting a little… _thirsty_." She snickered.

"Oh my _G-d!_" Rory complained, glaring at her mother fiercely. "Leave me _alone!_"

"Ah, _that_," Lane smiled, glancing at Jess, who looked like he was finally nearing the limits of his patience for the day and was now answering all further pleas with stubborn refusal. His arms were crossed firmly across his chest, and Rory did _not_ find this helpful.

"Yes, _that_," Lorelai echoed drily. "So kind of you to provide a little something for the _mothers_ to enjoy at this party…"

Rory fumed in silent frustration.

"Apparently, we can thank Liz and TJ bailing at the last minute for _that_," Lane commented.

"Oh, is _that_ why he's here? Interesting. I thought it might have been a set-up…" Lorelai mused. Rory's eyes widened.

Lane laughed. "Nope! This was all Divine Providence." She glanced at Rory and then lowered her voice and leaned closer to Lorelai. "You missed the show earlier," she whispered gleefully.

Lorelai gasped, "There was _more_ of a show?" at the same time that Rory said, "_No_!" indignantly.

Lane nodded eagerly. "You could have cut the sexual tension with a _knife_. There was _shameless_ flirting on _both_ sides-"

"There was _not!_" Rory sputtered, face bright red with embarrassment.

"_And_," Lane finished triumphantly, "Jess was _totally_ checking her out, too. She _called _him on it, and he _admitted_ it! You should have _seen_ him gaping like a fish when she basically asked if he _liked what he saw_."

Lorelai gasped and turned to her daughter, her hand over her heart. Rory shrank under her gaze, dreading what was coming. "I'm so proud!" Lorelai cooed tearfully. "My little daughter has officially achieved MILF status!"

"_Oh my G-d!_" Rory groaned. "I _hate_ you. _Both_ of you!"

Lane at least had the decency to look abashed. "Sorry, Rory," she cringed. "I'll talk to you _later_, Lorelai," Lane nodded significantly (Rory rolled her eyes). "And I guess I'd better call everyone in for lunch now, so… Bye!"

"Well, you _have_ been having an interesting day," Lorelai said, once Lane had walked away. She studied her daughter's face thoughtfully.

"I don't want to talk about it," Rory insisted. She carefully repositioned Richie so that he could switch sides and refused to look at her mother.

"You're actually upset," Lorelai observed, seeming surprised.

"_Yes_, I'm upset!" Rory shot back, through clenched teeth. "You _know_ how I feel about him, you _know_ how hard I've been trying to get past this, and you _promised_ to help me! And now you're mocking me for it, with Lane, and while Jess is only a few feet away!"

Lorelai frowned. "I guess I didn't know it was still such a big deal to you. He's single again, right? And from what Lane said-"

"I don't want to talk about what Lane said! This isn't some highschool crush, Mom! I have a _son. _And just because someone thinks their ex-girlfriend looks attractive in a swimsuit, doesn't mean they'd be willing to give up their whole life and help raise a kid! And now everybody's coming, so will you _please_ stop?" Rory ended up hissing the last part as she saw Jess and Doula headed their way.

"You'd better dry off and then sit in the sun for awhile once you've got your plate, ok?" Jess was saying to Doula, whose lips had turned purple, teeth chattering. He tossed her a towel sternly before grabbing his own and finally registering Lorelai's presence. He hesitated for a split-second, warily noting the tension between mother and daughter, and then nodded politely in greeting. "Hey, Lorelai," he said casually.

"Jess," she nodded stiffly in return, forcing a tight smile. Her arms were folded tightly, her posture defensive. Her smile softened apologetically when she met eyes with Doula, who had pulled her towel up over her head like a hooded cloak. "Hey there, Doula. You having fun, sweetie?"

The shivering girl beamed. "Oh, yeah! I'm having a _great_ time! I even got Jess to come in!"

"Well, that's _great_," Lorelai echoed. "I just stopped by to drop something off for Rory, so I should probably get going pretty soon."

"Where's Richie?" Jess frowned suddenly, his towel-dried hair sticking out in every direction as he pulled his t-shirt back over his head.

Rory thought he looked adorable. "Lunchtime," she replied succinctly, smiling up at him shyly.

His eyes flickered down to the piece of fabric draped over her torso as understanding dawned in his eyes. "Ahhhh," he nodded, grinning crookedly. "I see."

"Wow, I'm impressed! You didn't run away screaming or anything," Lorelai snickered, earning her a matched set of derisive scowls from both Rory _and_ Jess. "What?" she grumbled defensively. "Oh, come on! Doesn't anyone remember the way he reacted when that lady was breastfeeding in the diner that one time?"

Jess rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, I'm not eighteen anymore, Lorelai," he drawled in annoyance. He met her eyes challengingly. "People grow up. They don't stay the same forever. Wouldn't you say the same for you?"

She stared back at him for a long moment, thoughtfully. Finally, she pressed her lips together and shrugged. "Ok," she admitted, "I see your point." There was something almost like respect behind her eyes.

Jess exhaled in what seemed like relief and then nodded once. "Hey," he addressed Rory softly, "do you want me to grab you a plate of food while we're up there? Since you're a bit occupied right now?"

"Sure," Rory smiled, touched by his thoughtfulness. "Thanks, Jess."

He smiled back and shrugged. "No problem. Ok, Doula, let's go. Later, Lorelai."

"Later," she replied, lifting her hand in an awkward wave. Once Jess and Doula had walked away, she heaved a sigh. "Look, kid, I'm sorry I was giving you such a hard time, ok?" she told Rory. "He's right, you know. He's not eighteen anymore, and neither are you. You've got complicated adult lives with complicated adult problems, and I guess that's hard for me to remember sometimes. You'll always be my baby, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Rory sighed. "And I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm a bit sensitive about the subject right now, as I'm sure you noticed."

"Yeah. Well, I guess I'll get going, sweets. You seem to be all set up now, and you've got the Incredible Hunk catering to your _every_ need, so…"

"Mom..." Rory warned, turning red.

"Sorry, just had to get _one more_ in there… heh heh, _dirty_, right?" she grinned.

"_Mom_," Rory repeated sternly.

"Ok, _fine,_" Lorelai pouted. She bent to kiss the top of her daughter's head before she left. "Toodles!" she called over her shoulder with a finger-wiggling wave.

"Love you!" Rory called back, then she looked down at the baby boy at her breast and sighed. "What _are_ we going to do with that Lola, huh?"

Richie hummed against her skin and looked up into her eyes steadily. Rory felt her heart swell almost to bursting with love. _Man_, she thought, _that oxytocin sure is a wonder drug._

**Thanks so much for reading! So... what did you think? Good? Bad? I would love to know what you thought, anything at all! I love all my reviewers so much. You inspire me!**

**Part 2 coming soon...**


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N. Hey, hey! I promised to be back soon with Part Two, and here it is! It's a bit shorter than the last chapter, since it was originally a _part_ of the last chapter, but I hope it still satisfies. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks again to my readers and reviewers. And a word to all of you who just want them to "kiss already!"... may I direct your attention to the title of this story? (and the Beatles song. Go ahead and listen to that too.) *wink* Heh heh! We've still got a ways to go, kids! It's a _slow_ burn. But it'll be worth it, I _promise_! They'll be stronger and better for it in the end. But in the meantime... shall we give them another little nudge closer?**

"So, Jess and Doula are coming over," Rory announced on Sunday afternoon, placing her phone down on her dresser and picking up a hairbrush to do a little damage control (is this what personal grooming had become?) before the company arrived.

"Oh, really?" Lorelai asked in a soft baby voice, as she was currently bent over the changing table, playing games with her grandson's little feet. "Ooh! Is that the widdle piggie?! _Yes it is!_ And he says weeeeee wee wee wee wee _allllllll_ the way home!"

"Yes. I invited them over yesterday. And so I need you to be nice."

"I am _always_ nice! To Doula, anyway..."

"Yeah, well I need you to be nice to Jess too! You married his uncle, so you're stuck with him, and besides that, he's one of my favorite people and I plan on being very good friends with him for a very long time. So it would really mean a lot to me if you could at least make an effort to make him feel welcome here."

The elder Lorelai sighed. "Ok. I'll be nice. I will!" she insisted, when she saw her daughter still glaring sternly at her. "_Ohhhh no!"_ she chirped at Richie again, tickling his pudgy belly. "Lola's in trouble with Mommy! And when Mommy looks at you like _that_, you say, _Yes, Mommy!_"

The doorbell rang. "And here they are. I'll get it," Rory said, walking to the door.

"Hey!" she greeted the siblings happily. "Come on in!"

Jess was back in jeans, as usual. Short sleeves and canvas sneakers instead of combat boots seemed to be his only concessions to the weather. He still smelled amazing, Rory noticed as he smiled at her and passed close by her on his way into the house. She'd get used to it eventually, she told herself. Someday, it probably wouldn't affect her at all. Probably. She hoped.

"So, what movie did you guys end up watching last night?"

Jess smirked and turned to his sister with his eyebrows raised. "What _did_ we end up watching, Doula?"

"Labyrinth."

"_Seriously_?" Rory asked delightedly.

"Yep. 'Bout time, too," Jess answered.

"Lane and I were _just_ talking about that movie last week! I think she called it a 'gateway drug for a kid's appreciation of Bowie,' actually..."

Jess threw his head back in laughter. "Damn! You caught me. My true motives are all exposed, now."

"Bowie?" Doula repeated, wanting in on the in-joke. "That was the Goblin King, right?"

"Gold star. _You_ were paying attention."

"He's kind of scary-looking..."

"I think scary _cool_ is what you meant to say, and I'll play you some of Ziggy when we get home."

Rory smiled at him fondly and turned to Doula. "So, did you like it, Doula?"

"Yeah," she smiled, brushing her unruly hair out of her eyes. "It was really weird, but it was kind of awesome, too."

"You mean it wasn't _boring_?" Jess teased, his eyes wide in mock surprise.

Doula rolled her eyes, looking uncannily like her brother. "No," she admitted. "It wasn't boring."

"Who was your favorite character?" Rory asked eagerly.

"I liked all of 'em, but I think Ludo's my favorite."

"Aww, Ludo!" Rory cooed. "He's so great… When he calls the rocks!"

"Yeah! And he's all big and furry and sad! And Jess told me he had a Sir Didymus stuffed animal when he was little."

"He did?!" Rory grinned, looking up to see Jess rubbing the back of his neck and staring at the floor in embarrassment. Jess having a little sister was the best thing in the world.

"You were supposed to keep that between _us_, Doula," he muttered.

"Oh."

"Yeah," he drawled tightly. "Hey, why don't you go find out what Aunt Lorelai and Richie are doing?"

She shrank at his dismissal, looking like a puppy who'd just been scolded. "I'm sorry, Jess. I forgot."

His shoulders slumped guiltily. "It's fine," he sighed, pulling her into a side hug and kissing the top of her head roughly. "I overreacted. We're ok, now go on."

Doula sighed in relief and squeezed her arms tight around his middle for a moment before running towards the kitchen.

Rory studied Jess sadly. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know?" she said gently. "That you were a kid once, that you cared about innocent, childish things…"

He looked at her, and she was startled by the haunted look in his eyes. "Yeah," he said in a hollow sort of voice. "Just don't have many of those moments to share, I guess. But now you know this one, so… I found him in a big toy bin at the second hand store. I was kinda obsessed with the movie, so I was pretty excited."

"Do you or Liz still have him packed away somewhere?"

"Nah," Jess said softly. "We moved around too much, got lost in the shuffle. Too bad, too… He'd be worth a few hundred bucks by now, according to eBay." Jess smirked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Hey, Jess!" came Lorelai's greeting from the hall as she led a little procession comprised of Richie, Doula, and Paul Anka from the kitchen. "How has your weekend been going?"

"Oh, Jess is making it his mission to make sure his sister is educated in all the classics, so he just introduced Doula to 'Labyrinth' last night," Rory interjected with a smile, shooting a protective glance towards Jess. He gave her a little smile in gratitude.

"Ooh, Jim Henson _and_ David Bowie! A solid choice," Lorelai nodded in approval, her eyes lighting up. She grinned at Doula. "Was it _amazing_? Did you _love_ it?"

"Yeah."

"Good! Well hey, what else is on the list? We could knock another one off right now, 'cause I am totally on board with this lesson plan!" Lorelai gushed, looking eagerly between Jess and Doula.

"Uhh," was all Jess could get out, seeming a little shell-shocked by Lorelai's uncharacteristic enthusiasm for anything involving himself. "I don't know if there's a _list_, per se… I pretty much just wait for inspiration to strike."

Lorelai didn't seem to be perturbed. "Sure. Ooh! What about _Pippi_? Have you watched _Pippi Longstocking_ yet?"

Jess turned to look at Doula, furrowing his brow thoughtfully, head cocked. "I know we _read_ it a couple years back… Did we ever watch the movie?"

Doula shrugged. "I don't remember it…"

"Oh, you _have_ to see it! Do you wanna watch it now?"

Doula and Jess exchanged glances. Doula shrugged again, which her brother seemed to interpret as a _yes_. "Uh, sure. Ok," he answered, smiling weakly.

Lorelai handed the baby off to Doula and went to set up their impromptu movie matinee, while Rory walked Jess to the kitchen to gather snacks. "Are you _sure_ you're ok with this?" Rory asked him quietly. "'Cause we can do something else if you want. You don't have to let my mother steamroller you…"

"Nah, it's ok," he shook his head, putting a packet of popcorn kernels into the microwave and punching a couple buttons. "Doula wants to. But speaking of your mother, what is she _on_, today? I mean, disturbingly cheerful seems to be her _modus operandi_ in general, but she's almost acting like she's excited to see _me,_ and it's weirding me out."

Rory laughed. "I told her to make an effort to be nice to you. So, I guess this is her making an effort. I think she might be over-correcting a bit, though."

"You _think_?" Jess smirked.

"Hey! You be nice too!" She whacked him lightly on the chest with a package of Red Vines.

"Excuse me, I am _always_ nice," Jess insisted, feigning indignation. "It's one of my defining characteristics. 'That Jess Mariano, he's such a nice guy!' That's what everybody always says."

Rory snickered. "Oh, _always_! I think I overheard Esther say those exact words once…"

Jess snorted. "I'm sure you did," he muttered wryly.

"Though, actually, Jess… I hate to break it to you, but… you _are_ a nice guy."

"Shhh!"

The four of them (four-and-a-half if you count Richie) were squashed together on the Gilmore's couch, watching _Pippi Longstocking_. Rory had staked out a spot between Doula and the arm rest, leaving Jess and Lorelai to sit awkwardly side by side at the other end of the couch. This arrangement amused Rory greatly, with the additional benefit that she had Doula as a buffer zone between herself and Jess, since she didn't think she could handle being pressed against him for two hours.

On-screen, Pippi's father, the Cannibal King, was presiding over the lavish and ridiculous party he and Pippi had organized for all the children in town, he and his sailors performing impressive feats of strength for the entertainment of their guests.

"Wow," came Lorelai's commentary, voice dripping with mock awe. "You'd have to be _pret-ty_ strong to lift something like _that_. How much weight do you think that would be? Like if you were bench-pressing?" She turned to look at Jess, slouched down next to her. "What would _you_ say, Jess?"

Jess kept his face turned resolutely towards the screen, but he cast a suspicious glance at his uncle's wife from the corner of his eye.

"Gee, I don't know…" he drawled. "I'm just a high-school dropout, Lorelai. I don't think I paid enough attention in math class to be able to answer questions like that."

"Hmm, well yes, I suppose that's true," Lorelai played along. "But I think you and I would both agree that knowledge can also be attained in more… _practical_ ways…" she hinted.

Rory shook her head in exasperation at her mother's attempts to get Jess to admit to being a gym rat. _Unstoppable Force, meet Immovable Object,_ she thought wryly.

"Maybe we should ask Rory," Jess suggested innocently, his eyes glinting with mischief as he turned his head to look at her. "She's better educated than the rest of us put together..."

"You leave me outta this!" she muttered.

Jess chuckled lowly as he turned back to the movie. "Guess we'll never know, then."

"Shhhh!" Doula hissed furiously. "Stop talking!"

A few minutes later, it was Richie who was interrupting, and after several failed attempts to calm him, Rory finally had to face the fact that she would not be finishing the movie.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized. "I think he needs a change and then I'd better put him down for a nap. I'll see you guys later."

"Aw, ok sweets," Lorelai said sadly.

"Bye, Richie," Doula cooed, kissing the top of the baby's head even as he squirmed and fussed angrily.

"Actually, Jess, would you mind coming with me for a sec?" Rory asked. "I wanted to talk to you about something before you leave and I don't know if I'll have the opportunity later."

"Yeah, sure," he answered, getting to his feet.

"Do you want us to pause it for you?" Lorelai offered.

"Nah, I've seen it before. You guys go on without me."

Jess followed Rory down the hall into her old room and leaned against the doorframe while she shushed the baby and began changing him. The changing table now stood where her desk used to be, and Jess smiled softly. "You know," he said, "this is about where we were standing when we met."

Rory turned to look at him over her shoulder. "Yeah, it is," she murmured, smiling wistfully. "Which is funny, because I was just about to offer you a book again, too."

"Oh yeah?"

"Well, I heard your birthday's next week-"

"Ah, jeez…"

"-and I got you a present. Why are you so _weird_ about birthdays?! Suck it up, cupcake, and open your present! It's in the bookshelf, but it's wrapped, so…"

"I see it," he sighed, pulling it out carefully and turning it over in his hands as he sat on the bed to unwrap it. Rory glanced at him eagerly as she finished snapping Richie's onesie. "Hey, cool," he smiled, after tearing off the paper. "The Sun Also Rises. It looks like an old one," he observed, running his fingers over the faded cloth binding, a stylized neoclassical figure embossed on the cover.

"Uh-huh!"

He looked at her gleeful expression suspiciously and then carefully opened the book to the title page. His eyes widened almost comically and a fervently whispered "Holy sh**!" burst from his lips. Rory giggled, delighted with his reaction.

He stared at her with wild eyes and then flipped to the publication date and swore again. "A _first edition_, Rory?" he demanded severely. "A _signed_ first edition? What the hell is this? Is this your way of trying to get around my refusal to let you pay me, or…?"

"Relax. I didn't spend anything on it. My Grandpa left it to me," she explained.

He only looked more disturbed. "I can't accept this," he said softly, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Of course you can!" Rory insisted blithely, bouncing Richie in her arms to distract him until she could finish her conversation. "I don't hate him as much as I did in highschool, but Hemingway's still not a favorite of mine and I knew you'd appreciate this much more than I do."

"Yeah, but… but…" he sputtered, "it belonged to your _grandfather_! Do you have _any idea_ how much this is worth? The historical importance goes _beyond_ personal preference, Rory! I just…" he shook his head. "I can't take this. You should save it for _him,_" he said, gesturing towards the baby in Rory's arms. "I mean, he's gonna grow up someday, and… and what if he actually _appreciates_ great literature, and _you'll_ have to tell him, 'Oh, you could have had a _signed first edition_ of Ernest Hemingway's _first full-length novel,_ that belonged to your great grandfather, but I just _gave it away_ to some _guy_…'"

"You're hardly just 'some guy,' Jess!" Rory protested, finding his concern endearing, even if it was starting to annoy her a bit. "You're practically family at this point."

He grimaced. "Does that weird you out sometimes? It weirds _me_ out sometimes…"

"Yeah… but at the same time it feels kind of… _right_, you know? That we'll always be connected in this way. I like knowing that you'll always be in my life somehow," she confessed shyly, flushing at how intensely he was looking at her now. "So, anyway… I wanted to give you something that…" She took a deep breath. "I _do_ know how much it's worth, Jess. That's how much you… your _friendship_ means to me. It seemed an appropriate gift for someone like you," she said seriously.

His dark eyes held so many emotions at once that she couldn't read him. He just stared at her for a moment before dropping his gaze to the book he still held in his hands, running his thumb across the embossed lettering on the cover. "I…" he started, then seemed to choke on his words. "Thank you," he finally murmured. He looked up again. "_Thank you_," he repeated fervently, "but I still think-"

"You know, Luke gave me a string of pearls for my 21st birthday," Rory interrupted, "that he said had belonged to his mother, your grandmother. I can't tell you how much it meant to me, but sometimes I've wondered why he thought _I_ should have them, why he wouldn't have given them to Liz instead…"

"Because he knew Liz would've pawned them for booze money _years_ ago," Jess scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Ok, but what about Doula, or what if_ you_ end up having a daughter someday? But he loved me, and he wanted me to have them, so I do. But if Doula wants them when she's older, or… _you_ need them someday, I'd gladly give them up. So, I'll make you a deal," Rory sighed. "What if I just gave you temporary guardianship of the book? You can take care of it until Richie's old enough, and then… if he wants it, you can give it back to him."

Jess smiled softly and then sighed. "Ok," he finally relented. "I guess I can do that."

"Good!" Rory grinned.

"A first edition Hemingway," Jess repeated, shaking his head in disbelief. "You rich girls and your extravagant gifts…"

"Well, only the best for _you_…" she teased, and then he stood and rested his hand on her shoulder, looking into her eyes in a way that made her forget to breathe.

"Seriously, _thanks_," he said, sliding his hand to grip the back of her neck and pulling her in to press a kiss to her forehead.

"You're welcome," she breathed dizzily, but then Richie finally became fed up with the pacifier she'd kept shoving in his mouth and made his presence known with an angry wail. "And I'm sorry, but I _really_ need to put Richie to sleep now!"

Jess grinned sheepishly. "I'm goin'," he said, backing towards the door. "Oh, and I'd like to see those pearls sometime," he added. "Preferably on _you_..." And then with a wink, he was gone, closing the door behind him with a soft _click_.

**Thank you for reading! What are you thinking about all this? I'd love to know!**

**A word on timelines: I decided to give Jess a summer birthday, which fits some of the information given about his age on the show... but it conflicts with others, which is unfortunately unavoidable because the show contradicts **_**itself!**_** This is apparently only one example of inconsistencies regarding time on the show, or so I've been told, never having noticed it myself because… I have no concept of time. At all. Haha! For me, "time blindness" is a function (dysfunction?) of my ADHD, and yet another reason why I think Gilmore Girls is the most ADHD show ever! From the rapid-fire dialogue, to the free-associative pop-culture references, to multiple characters who fit the description (Lorelai, Sookie, Jess, and Liz all come to mind, and possibly, I'm more and more convinced, Rory. I'll tell you why later, if you're interested. It really would explain **_**so**_** much.), the particular style of humor, and the rather iffy awareness of the passage of time… I wouldn't be at all surprised if ASP herself is One of Us. So many women are now being diagnosed later in life, because all the early research was focused on how it presents in boys, and it often shows up very differently in girls, who then get overlooked because they don't fit the stereotype.**

**Anyway… I'll get off my soapbox now, but I just had to say… I read back through my story so far, and I was embarrassed to discover that this Gilmore "time blindness" definitely applies to this story too! My timeline is such a mess… don't **_**even**_** try to think about it, honestly! Just think of it as a kind of poetic, "Impressionistic" depiction of a sequence of events, and please do not take markers such as "x number of months" literally, because it will not make any sense if you do! I will try to be more careful about that going forward, but I don't have a lot of confidence in my success. I am **_**so**_** sorry, haha!**


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter gave me so much trouble. It wasn't in the original plan at all... but then I had the sudden inspiration of a conversation, and then knew I had to come up with some way for this conversation to take place. Figuring out the logistics was making me pull my hair out for a while, but here it is, finally. I still feel a little unsure about it, but my betas assure me that it's ready to release into the wild, so... I hope you enjoy it! God knows we could all use a little enjoyment right now, haha!**

Rory hadn't been able to abandon the Stars Hollow Gazette entirely, but she'd managed to wrangle some kind of maternity leave out of Taylor on the condition that she would find an interim editor to keep the thing going during her absence. The good news was that she'd found a volunteer. The bad news was that it was Kirk.

Every weekend would find Rory muttering to herself over each new edition (she had to keep an eye on things, after all) in dismay and helpless amusement over Kirk's decisions to use the paper to showcase his own attempts at poetry ("Oh, you're no Robert Frost, Kirk. I don't even think you're Ogden Nash!") and run "stories" on the most mundane of town affairs, packaged with needlessly ominous overtones ("Yeesh, it's "Babette ate oatmeal" all over again…"). Rory had even confronted Kirk about this last development, and his response was to tell her that "Fear is the new currency in journalism, Rory. I'm surprised that, with all your supposed 'experience,' you weren't aware of that. People don't buy papes unless there's a sense of urgency, and in this world of dying print media, we can't afford to lose readers to BuzzFeed."

And that was the other thing: Kirk had apparently decided to "prepare" for his editorship by watching "Newsies," and thereafter insisted on using the word "pape" instead of "paper" and making far too many references to "carrying the Banner." Rory supposed she ought to feel grateful he hadn't started speaking with an over-exaggerated Brooklyn accent as well.

Last week's edition had contained, next to the traditional poem, an original haiku by Kirk, entitled "My Petal":

_Rest, little oinker._

_Tender, glistening pink skin_

_Fondled by the sun_

"_Oh,_ my G-d!" Lorelai choked out through her laughter, when Rory showed it to her, nearly spitting out her coffee.

"I _know._ I feel like I'm reading one of James Joyce's letters to Nora instead of an innocent ode to someone's _pet_," Rory mused, her face caught somewhere between hilarity and nausea.

Lorelai turned to look at her, eyebrow raised. "_Dirty?_"

"Oh, you have _no_ idea."

But now, Rory was taking it back. Sooner or later, she would need to get back out there and find a real job in addition to The Book, and she wanted to get her foot in the door. She was determined that her first "postpartum" edition of the _Stars Hollow Gazette_ would be its best yet. She was hyper aware of all the prejudices of her male-dominated field and the stereotypes that having children makes women distracted and unable to maintain the same level of performance, and Rory intended to prove them all wrong. She would need to send out resumes before too long, and when she did, she wanted any prospective employers to see that motherhood had not caused the quality of her work to suffer.

Her first week back had started out fine. She had brought Richie to the office with her, and despite Esther's disapproving glares from over by the filing cabinets, she was getting quite adept at working while her baby slept, or even at typing one-handed when he wasn't.

Then came the ear infection. Richie was constantly crying and miserable and he couldn't sleep, which meant that neither could Rory. She was exhausted and overwhelmed, and even though Lorelai had volunteered to babysit until she had made it past this week's printing deadline, Rory was finding it difficult to focus. There are times in everyone's life when disasters seem to pile on top of each other in a perfect storm of crap, leaving you reeling. And this was one of those times. Suddenly, what was supposed to be Rory's triumphal return to the workforce was now looking more like her personal Waterloo (the battle, not the ABBA song) as the Gazette's ancient computer crashed the day before print deadline. Nearly everything she had written, all her layouts, an entire week's worth of work and more, were completely lost. Ordinarily, Rory would have had back ups of everything on her MacBook or in the cloud, but she had been so exhausted and so anxious to get home to her sick child that she had forgotten. Rory felt close to tears. She spent the morning frantically doing damage control and trying desperately to recover the files, but they were gone.

"This is why we have paper files," Esther offered unhelpfully. "You should have given copies to me and I would have filed them, but you've never appreciated the importance of filing, have you?"

Her phone rang, and she answered it without looking. "Hello?"

"Whoa. You sound stressed. Everything ok?"

"Jess. Hi. No, everything is NOT ok! It's a disaster! My first week back at the Gazette, and I was bringing my A-game, because I _have_ to, because I'm a woman in a male-dominated industry and not only _that_, but I'm a _mother_, and I _have_ to be able to prove that I've still got it and that letting something grow in my uterus and having a child hasn't made me _soft_ or affected my ability to be committed to a job well done, and… Oh G-d, I sound like _Paris._ But my performance at this moment may well have an impact on how all future prospective employers will view my work from this point forward, and I've been working _really hard_. But Richie has an ear infection and I haven't slept in days, and then the computer crashed this morning and I've lost _everything_! Everything! And if I don't get it all back together and sent to the printer by 8am tomorrow, we'll lose our spot and the papers won't be delivered in time, and this is just a _disaster_! I'm so tired!" She was half sobbing by the time she finished.

"Whoa! Ok, Rory, take a deep breath, ok? Deep breaths."

She tried to get a grip on herself, breathing deeply and pressing the heel of her hand to her eyes to staunch the flow of tears. "I'm sorry," she muttered weakly. "I don't even know why you're calling and I just dumped all that on you."

"It's ok," he said gently, sounding concerned. "I wasn't calling about anything important. I was just on my lunch break and I thought I'd say hi."

"It's lunchtime already? Oh my G-d, it is! I've wasted the entire morning already!"

"Have you eaten anything?"

"Eaten? No, there isn't _time_ to eat anything! I have an entire week's worth of work to do in less than twenty hours!"

"Rory, you gotta eat. Take lunch at your desk if you have to. This is an endurance race, not a sprint. You won't make it if you don't keep your energy up."

"That's true. You're right. And I need to pump, too, or else my boobs will explode… There's a reason why cows'll kick the farmer if he's late for the milking, you know."

"Uhhh…" Jess stammered, laughing nervously and then clearing his throat. "Ok… I, uh, don't even know what to say to that."

"Oh G-d. Did I say that out loud?! I did! Oh my G-d, what's _wrong_ with me?! I'm losing my damned mind! I am _so_ sorry, Jess, I'm so sorry. Um… bye." She ended the call abruptly and hid her flaming face in her hands, screaming.

At some point during the afternoon, the thought, "Why am I doing this?" occurred to Rory. Is this really how she wanted to spend her time and energy? Time and energy were limited resources, especially now, and she had found that she didn't have enough of either one to spare for her book this week. Despite all her stress and exhaustion, being away from her writing had filled her with both anxiety and a frustrated longing. And _this_ was what she was devoting her time to instead? The pay she had managed to wrangle out of Taylor was a pittance.

She wondered why she couldn't seem to bear the thought of letting the Gazette go. She didn't enjoy it. She hadn't really enjoyed journalism in years, if she were really honest with herself, but she'd been afraid to admit it. She'd been afraid to admit to falling out of love with journalism in the same way she'd been afraid to admit to falling out of love with Dean: half-heartedly going through the motions and subconsciously sabotaging herself, because, in the end, she didn't really want it. But for some reason, she still equated change with failure, and the idea of failure was crushing. This is what she had worked for, what her mother had worked hard to help her attain, what her grandparents had so generously provided the means to, and after all that, to decide she wanted to do something else instead? It felt like a betrayal. She was supposed to be the Great White Hope of the Gilmore family, her mother's vindication and the Lorelai her grandparents had always wanted to have. Well, that was all shot to hell now, anyway, so why was she clinging to this so desperately?

The subject had been brought up in her therapy sessions too. Why should her identity and self-worth be so defined by her career? Did "Rory Gilmore," the person, exist outside of "Rory Gilmore, the Journalist?" Intellectually, she could concede that she must, but she somehow still felt as if, by giving that part of herself up, she would disappear.

She remembered her grandfather as he was when she was a girl of sixteen: killing himself holding onto a job that was draining all the life and joy out of him because he felt he was nothing without it. She was a lot like her grandfather, really. Was she doing the same thing? Making herself and everyone around her miserable in her futility and despair? She then remembered how liberated and happy he felt when he left it all behind, letting himself find joy in other things. She missed him desperately.

Rory sent Esther and Charlie home at five o'clock and took a break to see Richie before she had to return to the office for a long night.

"Thank you so much for doing this," Rory gushed tearfully to Lorelai, taking her screaming son back into her arms and holding him close. "Shhhhh! I know! I _know_. Mama's here! This'll all get better soon, I promise. It _has_ to."

Lorelai glanced worriedly at her while she heated up a plate of leftover Chinese food. "Babe... do you think, maybe, you rushed back into this? You didn't give yourself very much time."

"I don't know!" Rory said desperately, her voice cracking. "I don't know, maybe, but I can't exactly take it back now!"

"We'll talk about it some other time," Lorelai backtracked gently, sensing that now was not the time.

Rory nodded and took Richie into their bedroom to try to feed him. The ear infection made nursing a frustrating and miserable experience for both of them, and Rory was soon crying along with her baby. This was going to be the first night she'd spent apart from him, and her guilt was eating her alive. She tried to reason that these were unusual circumstances, but she felt like an awful mother for leaving him. In the end, he would hardly eat anything and Rory had to resort to filling more bottles instead. Her own dinner was hasty and inadequate before she had to rush back to work. Maybe she could order something later.

Rory walked back to the Gazette with dragging feet, but she stopped suddenly in her tracks when she caught sight of a familiar figure lounging against a familiar black sedan with Pennsylvania plates, parked right outside her office.

"Jess?" she called out incredulously, quickly approaching him. "What are _you_ doing here?"

He smiled, shoving his phone back in his pocket. "Yeah, I know... we don't see each other for four years and now you can't get rid of me, huh?"

"No, I mean, it's always good to see you, but…" she trailed off.

He shrugged. "I heard you got a paper to get out. If anyone has experience pulling all-nighters to meet publication deadlines, it's me…" he grinned crookedly.

Being Rory Gilmore, she immediately felt guilty, her blue eyes wide in distress. "Jess, you didn't have to do this! I was just venting… I didn't intend for you to drive four hours here in the middle of the week!"

He shrugged again, not meeting her gaze as he bent to grab a messenger bag resting at his feet and slung it over his shoulder. "I know you didn't. I did that myself. But I'm here now, so you might as well use me. Where do you want me?" The sparkle of mischief in his eyes as he folded his arms and leaned back against the car again told her that his innuendo had been completely intentional.

_On the desk_, was the first response that sprang to mind, before she dismissed the thought hurriedly, feeling flustered. She rolled her eyes.

"Need a copy editor?" he suggested innocently.

Rory sighed in defeat, shaking her head. "You're insane," she said affectionately. "But fine. Come on." She gestured for him to follow her as she unlocked the door. "I was just about to order a pizza, actually. Are you hungry?"

"I could eat."

"Great. My treat. If you're going to be my unpaid intern for the night, the least I can do is make sure you're well-fed."

Jess gave a short bark of a laugh. "Ahh, interns. You know Truncheon has interns now? They make me feel so old… Like, since when is '_dank'_ a compliment?"

"_Dank?_"

"Yeah! What the f*** is that?! 'Cause last _I_ knew, it meant damp and dark and nasty, like a cellar or some sh**! And now these _kids_ are using _dank_ as some other unnecessary synonym for 'cool'?"

"And stay off my lawn!" Rory mocked him, affecting a grumpy old man voice.

"Yeah, yeah," Jess grumbled, smiling sheepishly.

"You still like pepperoni?" she asked, putting her phone to her ear. He nodded. "Yeah, hi. I'd like a large pepperoni pizza, please…"

They spent the time waiting for the pizza to arrive, figuring out a game plan for the night and setting Jess up at Esther's desk. Within half an hour, they were sprawled out on the floor in the middle of the room, the box of pizza between them, and as deep in conversation as they were in the meal.

"Do you remember the movie, "the Last Station?" Rory was saying, reaching for her third slice.

"Umm… Oh, about Tolstoy's last days, right?"'

"Right! Well I read a newspaper review of it when it first came out, and the guy writing it was just _ripping_ it apart for playing so fast and loose with history, and making up this bogus story when Tolstoy's _actual_ last days were spent in Mexico hanging out with Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo."

Jess's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Yeah, it confused me too! But then I thought about it, and..."

Jess suddenly lowered his slice of pizza, a horrified light of understanding dawning in his eyes. "_No_," he groaned. "Oh my G-d, he didn't."

"_Yes_. He mixed up Leo Tolstoy with Leon _Trotsky_, and then published it in a nationally syndicated news article."

"Oh man."

"And he was acting _soooo_ superior, but really he was just making an ass of himself. So I always make it a point to check and double-check _everything_ before it goes to print, because can you _imagine_?"

"Wow. I mean, I've been an insufferable know-it-all for a _really_ long time, so there've been a few incidents over the years that still keep me awake at night, but I never _published_ any of them, thank God. What a nightmare."

"I know, right?"

Jess shook his head before polishing off his last piece of pizza, wiping his hands with a paper napkin and then throwing the crumpled up ball at Rory. She feebly protested with a giggled, "Hey!" before throwing it back.

"Well, I gotta say," he mumbled around a mouthful of crust, "this is a lot more filling than the _last_ meal I had here."

"The _last_ meal...?" Rory laughed quizzically.

"Our liquid lunch, remember? Man, that was just over a year ago now."

"Oh, wow, you're _right!_ My G-d, what a year it's been…"

"I know."

"I can't believe how much my life has changed. I hardly recognize myself."

"You seemed to be in a pretty bad place a year ago. Are you… happier with where you are now? I know that's probably a complicated question…"

Rory chewed thoughtfully for a moment and then swallowed. "You know, it's funny. If you had asked me last year how I would feel about getting pregnant, having a baby… I would probably have said it was about the worst thing I could imagine. Like if my dumpster fire of a life could possibly get any worse, _that_ would be the ultimate thing, the ultimate failure. But, looking back… I don't know, I kinda feel like Richie is the best thing that could have happened to me. I was feeling hopeless about my career when you came, and in _that_ respect, I feel like _you_ saved me, Jess, with your amazing idea for my book, but… there was more going on there than you knew- than even _I_ knew… I had spent so many years just drifting, untethered and alone. I only had to think about myself, and I _liked_ it that way. At least, I thought I did… but I think I had fooled myself into thinking that my life didn't really affect anyone else's life. That if I didn't have any relationships to maintain, my actions didn't really… matter. But it was all one big lie I was telling myself, and I was so _stuck_ in my self-destructive habits that I think I needed to hit absolute rock bottom before I could stop and really look at myself. The thing is, though, I think… I thought I already _had_ hit rock bottom when you came last summer. I thought things could only get better. And I had already broken up with Logan before I got pregnant. I knew it was wrong and I wanted to change, but… I think I thought, one more goodbye can't hurt anyone, right? It's goodbye. But apologies and good intentions don't always erase what you've done. I think I needed to learn that sometimes there are real, permanent consequences to our actions. I didn't really want to believe that, and honestly, I don't know if I'd have been able to make the change… _stick_ without it. But there are no illusions about it now, there _can't_ be, ever, because I have Richie and he's beautiful and wonderful but he's also this… living, breathing reminder that the things I do _matter_. Not that they didn't before, but it's impossible to forget now."

Jess nodded slowly and then shook his head with an incredulous laugh. "I always knew we were more alike than everyone thought. A lot of what you just said actually reminds me of me at nineteen."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think I also had the idea that if I isolated myself, nobody could hurt me and I couldn't really hurt them either. Which is complete bullsh**, as you know. And I thought I had already hit rock bottom, too. I was sharing one roach-infested room with four other guys, sleeping on a dirty mattress on the floor, and I knew it was my own fault. I had ruined my own life, ruined my relationship with Luke, ruined my relationship with _you_…"

"Jess…"

"And then Luke dragged me back to Stars Hollow for my mom's wedding, and… you're going to laugh… but Luke gave me all these self-help books and tapes about relationships- and I'm totally throwing him under the bus and telling you that he'd gotten them for himself first- and there was nothing on TV except baseball, and you know I'll read anything that's in front of me…"

She smiled at his defensiveness. "So you read them?"

"Yeah. And I gotta admit, they actually did change my perspective on a couple things. A lot of things. I told you, I had absolutely no clue what the hell I was doing. And not just in our relationship, but in any, _all_ relationships. I didn't know how to interact with people in any way other than defensively, and I didn't understand how my own actions affected other people. But this stuff made me rethink a lot of things, and my pride was completely shot at that point anyway, so I was actually in a place where I _wanted_ to fix things... So, I started with Luke and, God bless that man, he took my feeble and awkward apology and met me more than halfway. So I thought, you know, I'd bottomed out, I'd finally seen the light, things were on the up-and-up now. I was a new man, ready to start over and fix everything I'd broken, and it went well with Luke, so… What the hell, now I'll go make things right with Rory."

"Oh no. Oh, Jess…"

"Yeah. You know what comes next, don't you?"

"Oh, Jess, I'm so sorry."

"Nah, don't be. I shouldn't have asked the way I did. I just panicked. You were absolutely in the right to turn me down. I didn't really get it yet, you know? How much I'd hurt you. Like you said, I had to learn that sometimes there are permanent consequences to our actions. That sometimes an apology and good intentions won't erase what you did. You taught me that, Rory. And I'd like to think I've become a better man for it; I've certainly _tried_… I had to prove that what I'd offered you wasn't just an empty promise. I wanted to prove it to myself, even if I couldn't prove it to _you_…"

Rory thought of his appearance at her grandparents' house with his book a year and a half later, and her heart ached. Their damned timing. "You did, though," she murmured. "You proved it to me, too. It was just…"

_What_? Too late? The wrong moment? The _right_ moment to save _her_, but too late to save _them_? The ache had spread throughout her chest now, as if there was now only emptiness where her heart and lungs used to be. It would explain why she was finding it so hard to breathe. "Sometimes I wish…"

"No," Jess interrupted. "Don't do that. It won't help anything."

"I guess not," she whispered. "It is what it is, right?" She smiled weakly.

"Yeah. But that's kinda the point of what we were talking about, right? Getting the chance to make something good and unexpected out of our sh***y circumstances?"

"Yeah. Yes, exactly. The life I have now… this was _never_ the future I would have chosen for myself, but somehow… somehow I think it was exactly what I _needed_. You know?"

"Hmm." Jess nodded. "So Mick Jagger was right, then."

Rory smiled at him, tilting her head questioningly.

"_You can't always get what you want,_" he quoted, grinning crookedly. "_But if you try sometimes... you just might find_…"

"_You get what you need_," Rory finished softly. They looked at each other, smiling, and Rory's heart swelled to fill the aching void that had been there only moments before. Maybe friendship could be enough. Whatever this was, it was beautiful and precious and rare, and she wanted to hold onto it no matter what. "Let's never go four years without seeing each other again, Jess," she wished fervently. "My life is so much better with you in it."

He stared back at her intensely. "Ditto," he replied solemnly, and then looked down at the empty pizza box between them. He heaved a sigh, brushing his hands off. "So. We have a paper to put out, don't we?"

"Right! Back to work!" Rory got to her feet. With both heart and belly full, she felt more energized than she had in days.

"Any musical requests?"

"Hmmm. Oh! Jimi Hendrix!"

Jess nodded. "Driving rhythm, almost unintelligible lyrics when there are lyrics at all… Excellent choice."

They worked well together and soon found a good rhythm: Rory writing the stories, reconstructed from her notes, while Jess edited. Jess kept the coffee coming and made her take snack breaks, and by 1:30 in the morning, Rory was finishing her last article.

"Jess," she said.

He merely grunted in response, his eyes fixed on his laptop screen, totally engrossed in his work.

"Je-ess," she repeated in a sing-song voice, swiveling her chair from side to side.

"Just a minute," he mumbled absently, making one more correction.

"Hey, Jess!" she laughed.

"Hm?" he answered, his head finally snapping up to look at her. He blinked at her in surprise, a pencil shoved behind one ear and his hair on end. Rory smiled fondly.

"I just finished writing the last article."

"You did?"

"I did! So, while you proof it, I'll get started on the layout, ok? We're on the home stretch, Jess!" she said, making an unintentional pun out of her statement by stretching out her stiff limbs with a groan.

At exactly 3:14 am, Rory sent this week's edition of the _Stars Hollow Gazette_ off to the printer and collapsed back into her chair with relief and exhaustion. "We did it," she whispered.

"With nearly five hours to spare," Jess rasped, stifling a yawn.

"Thank you _so much_."

"No problem. Hey, let's get outta here, huh?"

"Right," Rory sighed, staggering to her feet and packing up.

Jess insisted on driving her home, and now as his car idled in her driveway, she stared across at him, struggling to find the words to say before she got out.

"Jess," she murmured, "I really can't thank you enough."

"Well, next time I've been procrastinating putting the zine together, I'll call you, alright?"

"You'd better!" she grinned. "Are you sure you don't wanna crash here on the couch?"

"And give Luke a heart attack when he comes downstairs in the morning? I'll just crash at the diner apartment. Thanks, though."

"And give Luke a heart attack there?"

"Exactly. He won't wake the baby that way, at least…"

She giggled sleepily. "Goodnight, Jess."

"'Night, Rory. Or morning, I should say."

She reached across to hug him over the center console, and then gave him one last smile before opening her door and stumbling to the house and her bed and her son.

* * *

Luke liked the process of opening the diner first thing in the morning. It was quiet, peaceful, the calm before the storm. He methodically pulled the chairs down from the tables and measured coffee grounds into the machines. He went back into the kitchen to fill up the reservoirs with water, and when he returned, Jess was sitting at the counter.

"JEEZ!" Luke gasped, starting violently and sloshing water all over the front of his shirt. Jess laughed, the stupid punk. Luke's face went dark red and he slammed the water containers down onto the counter, grabbing a towel and wiping at his chest ineffectually. "Jess! What the _hell_ are _you_ doing here?!"

"Nice to see you too, Uncle Luke," Jess replied drolly, his eyes lit with amusement. "Are you always this jumpy in the mornings?"

Luke gave his nephew a weary look. "_Jess_," he repeated, "_what are you doing here?_ _How_ are you even here?! It's six o'clock in the morning!"

"I was just here to help Rory do some damage control at the Gazette after the computer crash. It was a long night, but we made the deadline, got it in around 3:30. I just crashed here for a couple hours. Hope that's ok."

Luke stared at him speechlessly for a moment and then shook his head as if to clear it. "Uh, sure…" he said uncertainly. "That's… fine… So, ah, you just drove in for the night? You're not sticking around?"

Jess shook his head, avoiding his uncle's gaze. "Nah, I gotta get back to Philly as soon as possible. Think I could get some coffee before I go? I only got about two hours of sleep."

"Sure, sure. Let me just… finish filling this up here and I'll get some started for you."

"Appreciate it."

Luke busied himself with the coffeemaker and thought anxiously about how to respond. He took a deep breath and, with his back still turned, said, "So, that was nice of you… driving all the way out here to help Rory out."

"She was pretty upset when I called yesterday," Jess explained. "And you guys are great with Richie, but she was completely on her own there, and… I mean, if there's anyone who knows anything about pulling all-nighters to make a print deadline, it's _me_, so… I told the guys there was a family emergency and took the rest of the afternoon off."

This answer did nothing to relieve the sense of unease gnawing at Luke's gut, and he turned to frown sternly at his nephew, bracing both hands against the counter while staring him down. "A _family emergency_? Jess, you can't lie about stuff like that!"

Jess rolled his eyes. "Who says I _lied_ about it? Or did you forget that Rory's technically my _cousin_ now?"

"Oh G-d," Luke said weakly, looking a little sick.

"Yeah. And if that's weird for you, just remember: _you_ were the one that went and made this awkward, so… Thanks, man," Jess said with a sadistic smile, clapping Luke on the shoulder.

Luke glared and shrugged him off. "So… you're just lookin' out for family, huh? That's what you're doing here? For Rory?"

"Say, how's that coffee comin'?" Jess drawled, his jaw tensing with annoyance.

"Jess…"

"Look, would you give it a rest?" Jess snapped. "I'm fine. Everything's _fine_, Luke. It's been almost _fifteen years_ since I dated her; I'm over it. _She's_ _DEFINITELY_ over it. We're friends, she was in a crisis, I had the means to bail her out, so I did. End of story. Would you rather I just sat back and let her _drown_?"

"No," Luke sighed. "No, of _course_ not. I just… You're a good man, Jess. A good friend. She's lucky to have you."

Jess smiled stiffly and shrugged, still looking around the diner cagily and drumming his fingers on the countertop. "Luke, I really gotta go. That coffee ready yet?"

"Yeah, sure, just a sec. I assume you want this to go?"

"Yep. Sorry I can't stay longer. I gotta get back to work before I miss too much of the morning, and honestly, I'd rather get outta here before anyone sees me."

"Why's that?" Luke asked warily, filling up a disposable coffee cup and fitting the lid on carefully.

"You think Liz would be happy knowing her only son was in town and didn't come to see her? It's not personal, but you know she'd turn it into something anyway. I'd really like to avoid the extra drama if possible, so could you do me a favor and not tell her I was here?"

Luke nodded. "You got it. I never saw you."

"Thanks. Well, I'd better hit the road. Good seein' you."

"Here, take a doughnut on your way out, since you won't let me make you any real food."

Jess smiled, taking the proffered pastry wrapped in a paper napkin. "It's a regular bed and breakfast. Thanks for letting me crash, Luke."

"No problem. Take care, Jess."

"You too," he nodded back, backing out the door. It swung shut behind him with a jingle.

Luke folded his arms and stared thoughtfully at the place his nephew had been, furrowing his brow in concern. Then he shook his head and sighed, and got back to work.

**Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm anxious to know your thoughts! Stay well (and stay home!)**


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